Friday, 3 July 2009


Well, after a truly crappy week, I would normally bury myself in blogland and write something stupid - this being the purest form of escape I know. However, finding myself short of inspiration tonight, and in preparation of yet another stunning week which commences with taking my handicapped daughter in for ear surgery - my mind wandered (as it has a habit of doing more and more often these days) to our last visit to the hospital.

Our thoughts tend to follow a set pattern upon these occasions - park, appointment, coffee.

The parking is great fun. The Omnipotent Beings at the RUH have decided that it had become far too easy to park there and that life had become a little tedious for them with all these sick people floating around. Their answer? - to put barriers across the entrance of every car park. Of course none of these barriers will lift unless there is an actual space to pull straight into. The result is queues of fuming motorists clogging every road into, inside and within a 5 mile radius of the hospital.

I have to admit, they got the entertainment side of it right - we watched while two separate punch-ups developed. This gave the security staff something to do, bless 'em, while providing free in-car entertainment for us other poor buggers that were still stuck in the traffic flow, preventing buses, taxis, ambulances (and the Police) from getting in.

I narrowly missed one space, taken by some flash cove in a coach and 4 - said he'd been waiting longer than me (since 1804, to be precise). Threatened me with a pair of ivory handled flintlocks, so I let it go - actually, I let his horses go, the minute his back was turned.

Appointment? Dunno - I missed it altogether, as I was still stuck in the car an hour and a half later!

Coffee - well, that was worth the journey alone. As we sat supping our cups of putrefied weevil piss, we noticed a dear little lady of around 90 come into the restaurant with a sit-on type shopping trolley. She wore a starkly familiar dark velvet saggy style peaked hat, that seemed far too big for her tiny head. Her nose was remarkably bulbous and she was gummy - Oh boy, was she gummy! She hadn't a tooth in her head, bless her. That was it. I was HOOKED!

You KNOW it's rude, but you've just GOT to look.

She then proceeded to buy a huge steak-size plate full of just chips, together with around a dozens sachets of tomato ketchup which she then determined to smother the chips with, before sucking the ENTIRE plate clean. I nearly weed.

Then something AWFUL happened. I remembered where I'd seen her before.

Unfortunately, my daughter had her mouth full of coffee when I just couldn't help myself any longer and said "Be ve-wy qwiet - I'm huntin' WABBIT!!". I know. I'm such a bitch. But I'm telling you, this was Elmer Fudd in drag. And I only added a very quiet "Scwewey Wabbit" and my daughter disappeared, spewing a trail of coffee-dribble all the way to the 'Ladies'.

I think we'll try Starbucks next time, it might be safer. We might also be able to park - or even find an ear specialist!


  1. Great stuff Weev, and all the best ear specialists go for coffee at Starbucks!

  2. Elmer Fudd lady, there is a plethora of stunning women in the south-west it seems -
    she is among such beauties as Coffee Shop Baboon Lady, Debenhams Tango Make-up Lady and the all round favourite Tesco Sweaty Terry Jones Lady....

  3. Hope all is well for your daughter and your grandson , Cal. As for hospital coffee at least your in the best place for drinking it and that woman sounds awfully like mammy and we've warned her a million times about slurping her chips like that.The saddest thing in her case is that she had the most perfect beautiful teeth right up to her 93rd birthday when unfortunately her gums fell out blowing the candles on her cake.

  4. Hiya TFE! Hows the ankle? - I don't have any you see. I have 'cankles' according to my loving and supportive sons - these being just calves with feet stuck on the bottom. Chunky and you don't get many to the pound. If your Mammy's short of teeth you should speak to MAB, because while I was on the phone to her last night, she was baking some teeth (I kid you not) for her husband. I at once e-mailed Cybil and told he can use this post as evidence of her clear and pre-meditated assault upon his most sensible person.

    Thanks for your kind words about my daughter and grandson. Kate's op went perfectly - true textbook stuff and we are already back home with her tucked up in bed! Callie's was dreadful - another failure and we'll just have to hope that they can come up with some other safe alternative to see him through.

    But you're right about the hospital coffee - they ought to advertise it as Putrefied Shutthefuckup. Just to give fair warning to anyone stupid enough to state that they'd do anything for a cuppa.

  5. Delighted Kates op was such a success and send warm positive wishes for yourselves and Cal that good things will happen.
    'Shutthefuckup coffee' has a wonderfull 'ring' to it,much better than Starburps,I really think this could be a winner, could I have first option on a franchise?Perhaps we could rephrase the ubiquitous americanism of 'have a nice day' to' have a shite one',or just plain 'Shutthefuckup' to exiting customers.I'm sure it would be most poular especially if all the waitresses had beards and few, or no teeth.

  6. I love the idea of a Shutthefuckup Coffee franchise. Bags I get to be in charge of Customer Services!! Oh! Just imagine the fun I'd have! Bugger 'the customer is always right'!

  7. Limo Hire is a limousine service in the UK, for weddings stag nights and much more. Limo News from Limo Hire, for all industry related information and updates.

  8. Cheeky bastard!! How dare you use my blog to advertise your poxy business! By the way, did I leave a pair of knickers in the back of one of your cars in 1980? They were my husband's - he got taken short (wedding nerves, you know). But don't worry, we left the curtains trailing out of the window to dry off. Sorry about the stains, but when you gotta go, you gotta go ... Hey! That could be your new company logo.

  9. Steve4n - a blog is not the place to advertise your business if you are hoping to promote a professional and efficient image. It makes me think your firm is a bit of a cheap outfit and I wouldn't hire from you under any circumstances.

  10. If your limo hire business was that good, Stev4n, why are you advertising it like a cheap Kleeneze catalogue and leaving your mark where people don't want it?
    Check 'Thought for the day No. 4' and see if you recognise yourself....