WILL THE REAL ELMER FUDD PLEASE STAND UP!

Well, after a truly crappy week, I would normally bury myself in blogland and write something stupid - this being the purest form of escape I know. However, finding myself short of inspiration tonight, and in preparation of yet another stunning week which commences with taking my handicapped daughter in for ear surgery - my mind wandered (as it has a habit of doing more and more often these days) to our last visit to the hospital.

Our thoughts tend to follow a set pattern upon these occasions - park, appointment, coffee.

The parking is great fun. The Omnipotent Beings at the RUH have decided that it had become far too easy to park there and that life had become a little tedious for them with all these sick people floating around. Their answer? - to put barriers across the entrance of every car park. Of course none of these barriers will lift unless there is an actual space to pull straight into. The result is queues of fuming motorists clogging every road into, inside and within a 5 mile radius of the hospital.

I have to admit, they got the entertainment side of it right - we watched while two separate punch-ups developed. This gave the security staff something to do, bless 'em, while providing free in-car entertainment for us other poor buggers that were still stuck in the traffic flow, preventing buses, taxis, ambulances (and the Police) from getting in.

I narrowly missed one space, taken by some flash cove in a coach and 4 - said he'd been waiting longer than me (since 1804, to be precise). Threatened me with a pair of ivory handled flintlocks, so I let it go - actually, I let his horses go, the minute his back was turned.

Appointment? Dunno - I missed it altogether, as I was still stuck in the car an hour and a half later!

Coffee - well, that was worth the journey alone. As we sat supping our cups of putrefied weevil piss, we noticed a dear little lady of around 90 come into the restaurant with a sit-on type shopping trolley. She wore a starkly familiar dark velvet saggy style peaked hat, that seemed far too big for her tiny head. Her nose was remarkably bulbous and she was gummy - Oh boy, was she gummy! She hadn't a tooth in her head, bless her. That was it. I was HOOKED!

You KNOW it's rude, but you've just GOT to look.

She then proceeded to buy a huge steak-size plate full of just chips, together with around a dozens sachets of tomato ketchup which she then determined to smother the chips with, before sucking the ENTIRE plate clean. I nearly weed.

Then something AWFUL happened. I remembered where I'd seen her before.

Unfortunately, my daughter had her mouth full of coffee when I just couldn't help myself any longer and said "Be ve-wy qwiet - I'm huntin' WABBIT!!". I know. I'm such a bitch. But I'm telling you, this was Elmer Fudd in drag. And I only added a very quiet "Scwewey Wabbit" and my daughter disappeared, spewing a trail of coffee-dribble all the way to the 'Ladies'.

I think we'll try Starbucks next time, it might be safer. We might also be able to park - or even find an ear specialist!