NEVER LET A PILLOCK IN YOUR KITCHEN

You must never let a Pillock in your kitchen
'Cos you know that things'll never be the same
You'll find iPods in your drawers
And you'll hunt for evermore
For all your bits'n'bobs - And WHO'S to blame?!

Now, by 'Pillock' I mean all those in your household
That are not trained or versed in cooking food
Kids; Dogs; Husbands; The Au Pair
They've no business being there
And, Yes Dear, if you must, you may be rude.

Things'll never get put back the way they're s'posed to
And you'll run yourself into a ragged mess
You'll find flour in your fridge
And your lodger on a bridge
'Cos he's had enough, and he can't stand the stress.

Please don't think that you will find a pint of FRESH milk
When you open up your fridge to have a peek
'Cos the moment there's a new'un
They'll have THAT - Green, Puce or Blue'un
And the old one will have curdled by next week.

"How many bags of crisps was it you bought, Dear?
I'd have sworn that you said 80, more or less;
Well, the bloody lot has gawn -
And the 'nanas, cheese and prawn!
Who on earth is it we're feeding - Ten Ton Tess?!"

Oh, yes, Hubby cannot understand your problem
His children always ask before they take.
Well, the buggers didn't peep
Prior to eating half a sheep
And a ton or two of Tuna Pasta Bake!

Now I'm simply not the type for bearing grudges
And my children are the apple of my eye.
But they never wipe up drips
All my best cups now have chips
I've found tin foil in my plants
I've found TEABAGS in my PANTS!
I've found batteries that breed
And a crispy millipede
And they NEVER clean the grill
Leave their mugs out on the cill
Wash their trainers in my sink
Do all SORTS of things that stink!
Dribble all sorts on my floor
I could clean for evermore!
Will the shits ever wash up?
Just what IS it in that cup!?
Oh! To hell with you lot! Go catch germs and DIE!!