Due to absolute necessity (for the truth must now be told in all it's sordid detail) this is going to be a long'un (as the actress said to the bishop), so pop the cat on and boot the kettle out.
You'll all have heard the little tale about a boy named Jack,
Who trotted off to market but then only brought beans back.
His errand was to sell a cow - his folks were sore in need.
So fancy trusting such a prat with such a vital deed!
The story goes that Jack's Mum hurled these beans upon the ground
But in the morning, they were staggered at what they then found -
A huge ginormous beanstalk stretched right up into the sky!
You couldn't even see the top - not with the naked eye!
So we are told, young Jack climbed up and fought the Giant there,
So he could come back, stinking rich, and ease his folks despair.
Well now, you'd better listen here, 'cos there's one great big gap
In what had really happened - We've been fed a load of crap!
Yes, Jack did climb the beanstalk and, Oh Yes! A Giant he found.
But did he fight him? Not one plap! ... Read on ... I shall expound.
The Giant had lived all alone for many years, you see,
So when young Jack appeared, she thought "Girl, you've got company!".
Oh yes ... you hadn't heard that bit. You could not be aware ...
Jack's Giant was a girl - quite cute - blonde eyes and long blue hair.
She had been sent to Beanstalk Land as form of punishment -
Her sisters all had married, but she had stayed adamant.
She swore most solemnly that she would only give herself
To Gilbert Mew (at two foot two) who was - alas - an elf.
Clarissa - that's the Giant's name - had found her chosen one.
But tragic'ly, when she sat down, he vanished up her bum.
Well, by the time they found him, poor dear Gilbert Mew was dead.
'Twas easy to establish thus: They never found his head.
Clarissa wept and broke her heart and mourned her lover late,
From that day forth, she swore on oath, she'd stay quite celibate.
Of course her parents grieved for her, but they were quietly pleased
That the poncy squirt in the twee green shirt had gotten himself squeezed.
In vain the local males all flocked - Clarissa was a cracker
But, one by one, they limped away, each minus one huge knacker.
Now when we all were children and were naughty to our Mum,
She'd likely confiscate our toys, or smack us on the bum,
Or lock us in a closet 'til we learned to be compliant ...
But have you ever come across a closet for a Giant?
In Giantland, there's no such thing - well think about it, do.
How many trees would have to go to build one - quite a few!
Well, Giants live in harmony with all the birds and bees
And blooms and shrubs and animals and, yes, of course, the trees.
So, when a Giant is very bad, their worstest reprimand
Is finding themselves exiled off, to live in Beanstalk Land.
And, thus, the poor Clarissa had been pining in that dump
When, who should swagger in but our heroic little chump.
It soon became quite clear to Jack that he'd discovered gold!
An untupped source - provided she would do as she was told.
In Giantland, where girls were few and men's passions ran high,
He'd open up a Brothel - Yes! - his limit was the sky!
Jack lied to poor Clarissa, saying God had told him to
Deliver up a message from her lover, Gilbert Mew.
Most wickedly, he told her that it was dear Gilbert's wish
That she should not just pine away, but seek out fresher fish.
He said Gilbert shrank at the thought that she should go to waste
When surely every man in town would love to have a taste.
Gilbert had then implored of Jack - a man that she should trust -
To take care of Clarissa and her giant proportioned lust.
Clarissa tearfully agreed. Relief welled in her eyes,
That Gilbert harboured no ill will for his unkind demise.
Jack then e-mailed Clarissa's folks, to get their kind consent ...
"... Clarissa has relented, and seeks marriage most content."
A massive ball was organised to hail their daughter back,
And there to deal with 'business' was that lurid weasel, Jack.
The guest list was impressive - every Lord, Baron and Sir
Had hastened up to sample of this petal, oh so pure.
One hundred Giant guineas Jack had charged for every man
To "ride the stormy waters for as long as e'er you can".
Jack staggered underneath the weight of his ill-gotten gains
But - What the Hell! - he figured. It was worth the aches and pains.
Jack did his best to make sure poor Clarissa'd no idea,
So busy counting up his dosh, her steps he failed to hear.
Clarissa was exhausted and she was not having fun.
She sought out Jack. She saw his stack. Now he was sore undone!
He dared not waste one minute, so Jack grabbed the cash and fled
Hotly pursued by Giants needing bones to make their bread.
He legged it down the beanstalk to his Mother's waiting arms -
For Mother's are susceptible to all their babies' charms -
She swallowed every lie and tale - The lot! Hook, line and sinker.
She never had an inkling that her son was such a stinker.
He lied and lied and lied again - on that score he was quick.
Jack was declared a Hero! - The conniving little prick!
He told of battles fought with Giants fifty-six feet tall!
He told of how they captured him and tortured him and all!
He told of his brave fortitude and of his great escape!
He told about his flight, chased by a thirty-two foot ape!
He lied about - oooh - loads of things, but certainly the worst,
He lied about the contents of his great big bulging purse.
He told folks there were diamonds and he told them there were pearls.
But soon he'd pissed off most the men - and all the local girls.
Inside a week, the townsfolk couldn't stand the sight of Jack,
But Tradesmen, how they loved him, crying "Great to see you back!".
But then they found that Jack had dealt a blow most underhand -
His Giant guineas were not legal tender in this land!!
Of course, they wanted payment for that silken skunk lined Robe,
Demanded money for those disco lights and flashing strobe,
The brand new car, the base guitar - the list would make you cough.
The townsfolk wanted blood - but Jack was packed - and he was off!!
Jack hurdled garden fences, jumped o'er every candlestick,
But he wasn't very nimble and he wasn't very quick.
He leapt through pantry windows, went careering door to door.
He would have gotten clean away - all but for one big flaw.
In fact, the flaw was massive and so big you couldn't miss her,
Now dangling, dazed, from upside down, Jack focused on ... Clarissa!!
How could he have been quite so daft - the dimple-witted clown?
The one job he had failed to do, was cut the beanstalk down!
Now Giantland had come to him, a-baying for his blood.
Their nightmares tones in chorus with those of the neighbourhood.
Clarissa's parents, too, were there, demanding Jack's demise,
For spoiling of their 'rose-bud' - they had murder in their eyes!
I'd better skip the next bit, as it isn't very nice
(And you'd never look the same at any jam pud made with rice).
Suffice to say that everyone lived happy after all
And all the folks from Giantland were at the wedding ball.
Clarissa finally had found a man to cure her heart
No longer haunted by poor Gilbert's whisper in each fart.
She married Stan - a Baker Man - a robust five foot ten -
Her folks did not object - Nooo! They would not go there again!
And all Jacks friends and neighbours gathered round to see them off.
But if you asked what came of Jack, you'd get a nervous cough.
The day belonged to Bride and Groom - a match from heaven sent.
The Groom, he looked most handsome, and the Bride was radiant.
Her earrings, though, were curious - of strange designs and shapes -
Two diamond studded eye-balls with two dangling pink grapes!
