HAPPY EASTER!!!!

I'd just like to wish all of my friends a very Happy Easter, and to thank the staff at my local Alzheimers Group who have been a tower of strength to me.

WILL HAMES - 60 TODAY!!

Today I wish to hijack my blog to wish my mate Will Hames a very happy 60th birthday. His barmy poems have kept us all amused for many hours and his sense of fun and silliness has spread a little sunshine over some fairly gloomy times. I only hope that now he has his bus pass, he can find the time to write some more - if you haven't seen his blog, then shame on you - you should have; so click the link on mine and enjoy!

So, Many Happy Returns, Will - and many, many more to come.

Oh .... and a Happy New Year to you also!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

I just wanted to wish everybody out there in blog-land a very

Happy Christmas!!

May your sprockets be sprinkled with Santa's Magic Dust and may your doobreys be daubled with holly - and if Holly won't join in the fun, I know a girl who will (I'll be happy to arrange an appointment on a commission basis)

RUDOLPH THE RED-FACED REINDEER

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Couldn't even pull a nag
'Cos he forgot his condoms -
Left 'em all in Santa's bag.
All of the other reindeers
Laughed and jeered at his mishap
'Cos after last year's party
Rudie'd ended up with clap.
Then one frosty Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph, with your 'appetite',
You're off to the Vets' tonight".
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Snorted loud and angrily
And in a flash of hoof prints
Kicked Santa into New Year's Eve.


Here's hoping you all have a very Happy Christmas and a disgracefully prosperous New Year.

CHRISTMAS CRUNCH CAROL

Sung to the tune of "Good King Wencelas"

Arnold Wencelas looked out
For his best mate Steven
On their yearly drinking bout
When the odds were even
Brightly shone the scotch that night
Though the cost was cruel
Spent the rent and housekeeping
Now they’ve got no fu-u-el.

Christmas trees and fairy lights
Spent all Daddy's bonus
Everything on tabs and cards
Credit with no onus
Mobiles phones, designer clothes,
There is no tomorrow
More food than a would ever keep
Africa from so-o-rrow.

Kids are good at keeping warm
And self-entertaining
Now there’s no food left to eat
What’s the use complaining?
Had to have the latest games
And an iPod Nano
They can always burn their beds
And poor Nan’s Pia-a-no.

Social Services arrived
Took away the babies
Neighbours look the other way
Like they all have rabies
Bailiffs joined the happy throng
Took away the cooker
TV and the DVD
Now thier Mum's a hoo-oo-ker.

Why do some folk feel the need
For all these excesses?
Do they actually think
That this shit impresses?
Christmas is the time of now
Future ain’t yet he-re
Burn the bills to keep them warm
There’ll be more next ye-e-ear!

ANOTHER SPANNER IN THE WEEK

I am sorry to report that I have another Spanner to award this week.

This one goes to the parents of all teenagers in the Chippenham area. It's clear to me that these people are willfully allowing their 'litter' out on the streets of our fair town, whilst in full and evident possession of BOTH legs - I ask you! I have even seen some with EYES!! Aside from being in clear breach of the Rights of Arseholes Act 2006, it is to the clear detriment of the peaceful townfolk here and it should be stopped now! - There is a petition, you know. We are due to present it to the Hon. James Grey M.P. - he being a most distinguished pillock of the community here and righteously legless at most times. What is more, if HIS mother allows him out with HIS eyes, he keeps them firmly shut at all times.

When I was a girl, we were NEVER allowed out with both legs. We were only released moments before school lessons were due to start, 27 miles away, in which case we had no choice but to stick together and run like billy-ho!! It also saved unecessary expense on wear to school socks, as we only needed one at a time - we didn't indulge in such frippery as shoes until we got to University.

We had appointed eye-ball time, in which we could do our homework, pick thorns out of our feet and plan the invasion of France (only on Saturdays, as it was closed the rest of the week, but that was before the Common Market and Cliff Richards were invented).

But with our new Neighbourhood Watch, we have had our successes. Oh yes! By far the most pleasing result has come with the approaching Yuletide preparations. We have managed to dispose of a fair number of 'unsavouries' by handwashing them in a stiff solution of steaming Persil (colourfastness isn't really an issue here). We them steam dry them until they shrink and we hang them out by their ears to finish off. We have managed to successfully flog all of our little home-made 'elves' to Father Christmas who, as you know, is getting so desperate this time of year, he has his own impress service.

Must dash - the Rozzers are here and they've got another one for me, so I'd better go and put the kettle on - or should I say kettles - all 16 of them - it's thirsty work!

THE CURIOUS BALLAD OF LADLE & FLIMP

In the heated night of daytime,
In the near-off land of Grimp;
There lived a fork called Ladle
And his wife, whose name was Flimp.
They lived downstairs in an attic
In a house made out of bread
With ironing boards for curtains
And a lightbulb flower-bed.
They feasted on raw jam jar toast
And cornflakes made of cheese.
Fed tintacks to the Nubby Mice
That sang up in the trees.
They had a son called Betsy
And a daughter, Alfred, too.
They took them to the library
To feed the kangaroos.
They took them to the circus
To buy their weekly food,
But for an extra special treat
They’d sit at home and brood.
In summer they ate hot beef soup;
In winter, all new born
Were wrapped up tight in icicles
To keep them nice and warm.
Down from the tin-can rain clouds
Came showers of warm tea,
And lovely custard rainbows
Shone cross the sponge-cake sea.
Grimps, closing their umbrellas,
In crowds alone did cry,
Then all ran out into the rain
To keep them nice and dry.
Grimp had a mayor called Mayi -
He’d changed his name just so
When people called “Mayor Mayi …”
He could retort with “No!!”.
Each year they held a Festival
And Coronation Night -
The crowning of Grimp King and Queen
Amidst much pomp and might.
The Grimp throne was heredit’ry
Just as it had been voted
(And counted more than six times, though
Results were never noted)
Grimp long had been the victim of
Some nasty evil Snuggles
Who terrorised the landscape
Giving everybody cuddles.
The Grimps’ idea of heaven was
Both deftly done and quick -
A nifty poke into the eye,
With pointed bendy stick.
But Snuggles they struck fear into
The hearts of everyone
(For being snuggled was the thing
Most Grimps did not like done).
The children laughed in terror,
And the cats walked for their lives;
While bachelors fair panicked
As they rounded up their wives.
Snuggle raids were pretty rare
They happened every week
Before he knew what hit him
Ladle’s chances looked quite bleak.
A soft and evil snuggle had
Caught Ladle in it’s grasp
Though Ladle fought quite bravely
Flimp could tell he would not last.
Most fearful for her husband,
As he fought to disengage,
Flimp cleverly leaned from the book
And turned over the page.
Of course this altered everything.
Folk all seemed quite bemused.
The plot became quite muddled
And the characters confused.
Flimp whispered to her husband
“But they won’t know how it ends!”
So remember … if a Snuggle asks
Just tell it they made friends.