Saturday, 21 November 2009


I am sorry to report that I have another Spanner to award this week.

This one goes to the parents of all teenagers in the Chippenham area. It's clear to me that these people are willfully allowing their 'litter' out on the streets of our fair town, whilst in full and evident possession of BOTH legs - I ask you! I have even seen some with EYES!! Aside from being in clear breach of the Rights of Arseholes Act 2006, it is to the clear detriment of the peaceful townfolk here and it should be stopped now! - There is a petition, you know. We are due to present it to the Hon. James Grey M.P. - he being a most distinguished pillock of the community here and righteously legless at most times. What is more, if HIS mother allows him out with HIS eyes, he keeps them firmly shut at all times.

When I was a girl, we were NEVER allowed out with both legs. We were only released moments before school lessons were due to start, 27 miles away, in which case we had no choice but to stick together and run like billy-ho!! It also saved unecessary expense on wear to school socks, as we only needed one at a time - we didn't indulge in such frippery as shoes until we got to University.

We had appointed eye-ball time, in which we could do our homework, pick thorns out of our feet and plan the invasion of France (only on Saturdays, as it was closed the rest of the week, but that was before the Common Market and Cliff Richards were invented).

But with our new Neighbourhood Watch, we have had our successes. Oh yes! By far the most pleasing result has come with the approaching Yuletide preparations. We have managed to dispose of a fair number of 'unsavouries' by handwashing them in a stiff solution of steaming Persil (colourfastness isn't really an issue here). We them steam dry them until they shrink and we hang them out by their ears to finish off. We have managed to successfully flog all of our little home-made 'elves' to Father Christmas who, as you know, is getting so desperate this time of year, he has his own impress service.

Must dash - the Rozzers are here and they've got another one for me, so I'd better go and put the kettle on - or should I say kettles - all 16 of them - it's thirsty work!


  1. the yoof of today don't know a thing! eyes and legs.. it's a disgrace!

  2. I know Chippenham very well and this post comes as no surprise. I hope Father X gave you a fair price for the rascals..he's a keen haggler.

  3. Watercats: Yes, it's disgusting. Bearing in mind the wee trolls only have one brain cell each, they have to move around in pairs, just so their legs work, so it's a waste of good flesh.
    Clare: The Jolly Fella was borne to the Bedouin marketplace, but we managed to get a good deal - and we got all of our 'elves' share of coal in advance, so we'll be nice and warm this Christmas!

  4. I blame the common market. My girls weren't brought up to be common and only consorted with nice people but these days it's common to be common, but what can you do - there just aren't enough nice people to go round.

  5. I know just what you mean. I've made it my life's aim to get around as much as I can, but all I got was a reputation. Can't win!

  6. I've never had any trouble managing to be common, since none of the nobility will take responsibility for my existence, damn their eyes. When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be sweet: so far, unsavoury is my limit. Anyway, I'm awfully glad I don't live in Chippenham. My local council wouldn't dream of letting the little buggers run around unboiled.