For hours you have blessed us with your learned points of view
On everything from head gaskets to who shot Fu Man Chu.
We now know all there is to know about all three World Wars;
The Inca’s who shot Hitler; UHT patio doors.
We were surprised to be informed that Bono sings with Queen;
But how could we dispute this, after all their gigs you’ve seen.
And what a turn up for the books, to find that Dido’s dead!
Extinct for the last century, as I recall you’d said.
And we had simply no idea that Elton once wed Cher
You’re right, of course; a sorry shock for such a well-matched pair.
Nor did we know, we foolish few, that good old JFK
Made chicken, southern fried and finger-licking good, you say.
It’s been a joy to meet you and I’m so glad that I came
When I might just have stayed at home and licked a window pane.
It’s clear I’m much more stupid than I’d ever realised,
And I soooooo love to spend my evenings being patronised.
Feel free to call me any day and we’ll do lunch some time.
Yes, please do take my number: Got a pen? It’s 9-9-9
Oh dear! Have I offended? Why, I must apologise,
Though now I come to think of it, a 'date' might not be wise.
I’ve come to the conclusion (though it’s rare that I do that)
That you are genuinely a complete and total prat.