tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72330135748751265472024-02-07T03:08:38.892-08:00The Lesser WeevilThe perfectly batty escape from serious literature, poetry, good manners and common sense. But mind out - Here be loonies!The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-72758222385642574642010-10-24T18:28:00.000-07:002015-08-05T14:09:59.825-07:00Pub Quiz Genius<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2CgfxukDULXq89FUBQiwBJ3a0jVqLWNWfKo6wqpgJzasn7GeCkVfJMD7l0m0nbI5uKZDqPPnYHLs7ZvzAhtsmnQj0gFMZeEFJkZZgU_Rrp1Xm5mg4Ew4yCdvBHIejn-kEtTvnvlwmskUa/s1600/knowitall.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5531789790703706738" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2CgfxukDULXq89FUBQiwBJ3a0jVqLWNWfKo6wqpgJzasn7GeCkVfJMD7l0m0nbI5uKZDqPPnYHLs7ZvzAhtsmnQj0gFMZeEFJkZZgU_Rrp1Xm5mg4Ew4yCdvBHIejn-kEtTvnvlwmskUa/s400/knowitall.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; height: 194px; width: 259px;" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">For hours you have blessed us with your learned points of view</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">On everything from head gaskets to who shot Fu Man Chu. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">We now know all there is to know about all three World Wars; </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">The Inca’s who shot Hitler; UHT patio doors. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">We were surprised to be informed that Bono sings with Queen; </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">But how could we dispute this, after all their gigs you’ve seen. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">And what a turn up for the books, to find that Dido’s dead! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Extinct for the last century, as I recall you’d said. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">And we had simply no idea that Elton once wed Cher</span> <br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">You’re right, of course; a sorry shock for such a well-matched pair. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Nor did we know, we foolish few, that good old JFK </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Made chicken, southern fried and finger-licking good, you say. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">It’s been a joy to meet you and I’m so glad that I came </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">When I might just have stayed at home and licked a window pane. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">It’s clear I’m much more stupid than I’d ever realised, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">And I soooooo love to spend my evenings being patronised. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Feel free to call me any day and we’ll do lunch some time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Yes, please do take my number: Got a pen? It’s 9-9-9 </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Oh dear! Have I offended? Why, I must apologise, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Though now I come to think of it, a 'date' might not be wise. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">I’ve come to the conclusion (though it’s rare that I do that) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">That you are genuinely a complete and total prat.</span></blockquote>
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The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-18507035859269177652010-06-21T16:58:00.000-07:002015-08-05T14:06:31.998-07:00THE PERFECT FIND<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 78%; font-style: italic;">In response to yet another challenge that I couldn't write a peom about navel fluff.</span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQJp67JbbSq1XGBqZeToSecO2jpA4oSgDrlcSouQGBoaJtMUKI_xlyUPVaw31lrMHxZXUHlJxYfl9voLsPxgb46xBRYV-mF33XADcoPKVWS3VnVm1jdBe8S-Yv8Qn1ZSO5t2HCwnoJG_ZV/s1600/Navel+Fluff.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485381738135160418" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQJp67JbbSq1XGBqZeToSecO2jpA4oSgDrlcSouQGBoaJtMUKI_xlyUPVaw31lrMHxZXUHlJxYfl9voLsPxgb46xBRYV-mF33XADcoPKVWS3VnVm1jdBe8S-Yv8Qn1ZSO5t2HCwnoJG_ZV/s400/Navel+Fluff.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; height: 112px; width: 150px;" /></a>
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<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">To all those young and sprightly things</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Seeking that perfect man;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">I sympathise with your demise,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">But criticise your plan.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You wine and dine, Ad Nauseime </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">And bill and coo all night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">But how in blazes can you tell</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">If HE is Mr Right?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You ‘shoop-shoop’ all you want, my dear -
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">His kiss will tell you nowt!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You’ll need to search much lower, if</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You’re ever to find out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">No house, car, eyes, nor bank account</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Will tell you quite enough.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Pish-Tush! My dear – the answer’s clear –</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">It’s in his navel fluff!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">At your first chance - disco or dance,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Even if you must shout,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You must demand “Here! In my hand!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">And make him GET IT OUT!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">There is a knack to fluff ‘attack’-</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Know what you’re looking for.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Dead cookies, crumbs, tortilla chips -</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Your outlook’s pretty poor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Cat Hairs – no way – a Mummy’s Boy!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You’ll find no comfort there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Grass seed? The Weed!! Retreat at speed –</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Been trulling the Au Pair!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Is it ALL fluff? The man’s a puff!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">He grooms his Teddy gaily;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Is it all grime? Will he have time -</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Working sixteen hours daily?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Do you smell beer? – No WAY, my dear!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">He spilt it there last night!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">He’ll hock the kids and eat the dog</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">While spoiling for a fight!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Did you find NONE? You’d better run!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">He’s covered all his tracks!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">A shifty one who’ll ‘carry on’ </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Behind our very backs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">No, no; The balance must portray</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">A steady homely chap</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Unmoved by half-dressed bimbo’s who</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Cavort across his lap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">PTFE Tape, Superglue,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Show merit of some kind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">A tea-bag or an oven mitt</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Are also good to find.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">Whatever ‘tis you’re looking for</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">You’ll find out for yourself</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">The reason why – at 49 -</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 85%;">I’m left here on the shelf!</span></div>
<br />The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-8955778900740125942010-03-23T17:10:00.000-07:002010-03-23T17:12:50.699-07:00HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!!I just want to hijack my Blog for a moment to wish my 'little' girl a very happy 28th birthday today! We're off to Salisbury for a girl's day out and to meet a pen-friend of hers for coffee. So everybody please pray for sunshine and that my knackered old Ford Galaxy will go the distance!The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-72150406589601683412010-03-22T16:56:00.000-07:002015-08-05T14:00:31.419-07:00THE QUEST FOR PERFECTION<link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CDEBORA%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link><link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CDEBORA%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx" rel="themeData"></link><link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CDEBORA%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml" rel="colorSchemeMapping"></link><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> 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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Today you are told it’s so GOOD to be thin!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And trendy to look like a stick.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Fad diets appear every week, month and year</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Which you follow although you fall sick.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You’re force-fed with increasingly perverted ways</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Of shedding that last ounce of health.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> A nation of rabbits allergic to carrots;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The writers’ sure-fire source of wealth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A cheese and egg sandwich just isn’t the same,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Without some bat scrotum and chips.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Burnt essence of Panda, freeze dried Salamander,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Did THEY have two stone round their hips? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As you crawl ‘cross the floor, croaking weakly for more</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Of that Wombat pube extract, you know</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you take it you’ll surely grow sick, weak and poorly,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But, SOD IT! At least you won’t GROW!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Toad testis on toast; Gibbon Snibbles; CAT ROAST!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The list is as strange as it’s long!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Some things no sane person would feed to a pig</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And would rather not keep for the pong!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So WHY DO YOU DO IT? Why punish yourselves?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This quest for perfection’s soooo LAME!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Give up! Just accept it! I’m simply the best</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And you’ll NEVER turn out quite the same!</span></div>
The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-69805497387849474332010-02-22T15:53:00.001-08:002010-02-22T15:59:38.009-08:00WHAT COMES AFTER A BUN IN THE OVEN?<div><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-0WKrQg3syqPKGzEm6M-GkOTJeuoil7jL5SErh9HXowD-cReKWp4iEfBwH-7pM_wRSqTYT4qzPWZb9fDRFq4EKA2KTRTADI-1fAfuMJu3ob6SLcqb5B1cA0sh8NKWJi2gXk0VNQDEv8ei/s1600-h/Baby+in+pot..jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 135px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-0WKrQg3syqPKGzEm6M-GkOTJeuoil7jL5SErh9HXowD-cReKWp4iEfBwH-7pM_wRSqTYT4qzPWZb9fDRFq4EKA2KTRTADI-1fAfuMJu3ob6SLcqb5B1cA0sh8NKWJi2gXk0VNQDEv8ei/s400/Baby+in+pot..jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441221536730586674" /></a><br /><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">A baby in a pot, of course!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-28907114964423532872010-02-04T14:16:00.000-08:002015-08-05T13:57:00.007-07:00NEWS FLASH<span style="font-family: arial;">A recent Government sponsored report has revealed that cheap alcohol has been responsible for the deaths of over 4,000 football hooligans, teenage delinquents and 'chavs' in the last year alone. In light of these appalling figures, a key spokesperson for Tesco Stores told journalists that Britain's major retailers remained united in their determination to improve this 'disappointing' performance, but that 'Every Little Helps'". </span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-21632064641770189432010-01-01T15:10:00.001-08:002015-08-05T13:56:30.886-07:00HAPPY EASTER!!!!I'd just like to wish all of my friends a very Happy Easter, and to thank the staff at my local Alzheimers Group who have been a tower of strength to me.The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-48483269313402470762009-12-31T14:38:00.000-08:002009-12-31T15:07:22.265-08:00WILL HAMES - 60 TODAY!!<span style="font-family: arial;">Today I wish to hijack my blog to wish my mate Will Hames a very happy 60th birthday. His barmy poems have kept us all amused for many hours and his sense of fun and silliness has spread a little sunshine over some fairly gloomy times. I only hope that now he has his bus pass, he can find the time to write some more - if you haven't seen his blog, then shame on you - you should have; so click the link on mine and enjoy!<br /><br />So, Many Happy Returns, Will - and many, many more to come.<br /><br />Oh .... and a Happy New Year to you also!<br /><br /></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-87705487593755332082009-12-24T14:17:00.000-08:002009-12-24T14:32:01.399-08:00HAPPY CHRISTMAS!<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />I just wanted to wish everybody out there in blog-land a very</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Happy Christmas!! </span></span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;">May your sprockets be sprinkled with Santa's Magic Dust and may your doobreys be daubled with holly - and if Holly won't join in the fun, I know a girl who will (I'll be happy to arrange an appointment on a commission basis)</span><br /></div>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-6875226061252095252009-12-23T15:12:00.000-08:002015-08-05T13:54:39.035-07:00RUDOLPH THE RED-FACED REINDEER<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Couldn't even pull a nag</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">'Cos he forgot his condoms -</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Left 'em all in Santa's bag.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">All of the other reindeers</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Laughed and jeered at his mishap</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">'Cos after last year's party</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Rudie'd ended up with clap.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Then one frosty Christmas Eve</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Santa came to say</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Rudolph, with your 'appetite',</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">You're off to the Vets' tonight".</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Snorted loud and angrily</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And in a flash of hoof prints</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Kicked Santa into New Year's Eve.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Here's hoping you all have a very Happy Christmas and a disgracefully prosperous New Year.</span></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-82200233721345518222009-12-21T17:24:00.000-08:002015-08-05T13:51:46.700-07:00CHRISTMAS CRUNCH CAROL<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJZKlEk3K-UTJoQKqtR6LMerquRFOdHedmCnJI9k7ZtmLRo7X9N7WcspB6DTQ69T4ebLNKNEAPT3nMdBmFmkRbRrpXygyKU8lFUkwbZla7Klh8rG0QwHSNXRq0e7gkCwYU2Vs9BYJMcsWI/s1600-h/Excess.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5417869349737824370" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJZKlEk3K-UTJoQKqtR6LMerquRFOdHedmCnJI9k7ZtmLRo7X9N7WcspB6DTQ69T4ebLNKNEAPT3nMdBmFmkRbRrpXygyKU8lFUkwbZla7Klh8rG0QwHSNXRq0e7gkCwYU2Vs9BYJMcsWI/s200/Excess.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; height: 191px; width: 315px;" /></a><br />
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Sung to the tune of "Good King Wencelas"</span><br /><br />Arnold Wencelas looked out</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">For his best mate Steven</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">On their yearly drinking bout</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />When the odds were even</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Brightly shone the scotch that night</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Though the cost was cruel</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Spent the rent and housekeeping</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Now they’ve got no fu-u-el.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Christmas trees and fairy lights</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Spent all Daddy's bonus</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Everything on tabs and cards</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Credit with no onus</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />Mobiles phones, designer clothes,</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />There is no tomorrow</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />More food than a would ever keep</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Africa from so-o-rrow.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Kids are good at keeping warm</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">And self-entertaining</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Now there’s no food left to eat</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">What’s the use complaining?</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Had</span> to have the latest games</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">And an iPod Nano</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />They can always burn their beds</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">And poor Nan’s Pia-a-no.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Social Services arrived</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Took away the babies</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Neighbours look the other way</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Like they all have rabies</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Bailiffs joined the happy throng</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Took away the cooker</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">TV and the DVD</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />Now thier Mum's a hoo-oo-ker.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Why do some folk feel the need</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">For all these excesses?</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />Do they actually think</span> <span style="font-family: arial;"><br />That this shit impresses?</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Christmas is the time of <span style="font-weight: bold;">now</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Future ain’t yet he-re</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">Burn the bills to keep them warm</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">There’ll be more next ye-e-ear!<br /></span></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-31089983318226639862009-11-21T17:57:00.001-08:002009-11-21T18:26:00.678-08:00ANOTHER SPANNER IN THE WEEK<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFiF4Axx7jfCH_OEWJl2QQSPuFrm0J9WfgrcIc0MzoBLzLVb-kWVFNwKGSgmk1mRBKWKKi26THKFm6aiKuNVGQV5D5arpBz2cfD3xXOD6n6KPRmsp3cxA5tibmL-aXY_uVpc9S-Yox686y/s1600/spanner.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 111px; height: 109px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFiF4Axx7jfCH_OEWJl2QQSPuFrm0J9WfgrcIc0MzoBLzLVb-kWVFNwKGSgmk1mRBKWKKi26THKFm6aiKuNVGQV5D5arpBz2cfD3xXOD6n6KPRmsp3cxA5tibmL-aXY_uVpc9S-Yox686y/s200/spanner.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406741421779715762" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">I am sorry to report that I have another Spanner to award this week.<br /><br />This one goes to the parents of all teenagers in the Chippenham area. It's clear to me that these people are willfully allowing their 'litter' out on the streets of our fair town, whilst in full and evident possession of BOTH legs - I ask you! I have even seen some with EYES!! Aside from being in clear breach of the Rights of Arseholes Act 2006, it is to the clear detriment of the peaceful townfolk here and it should be stopped now! - There is a petition, you know. We are due to present it to the Hon. James Grey M.P. - he being a most distinguished pillock of the community here and righteously legless at most times. What is more, if HIS mother allows him out with HIS eyes, he keeps them firmly shut at all times.<br /><br />When I was a girl, we were NEVER allowed out with both legs. We were only released moments before school lessons were due to start, 27 miles away, in which case we had no choice but to stick together and run like billy-ho!! It also saved unecessary expense on wear to school socks, as we only needed one at a time - we didn't indulge in such frippery as shoes until we got to University.<br /><br />We had appointed eye-ball time, in which we could do our homework, pick thorns out of our feet and plan the invasion of France (only on Saturdays, as it was closed the rest of the week, but that was before the Common Market and Cliff Richards were invented).<br /><br />But with our new Neighbourhood Watch, we have had our successes. Oh yes! By far the most pleasing result has come with the approaching Yuletide preparations. We have managed to dispose of a fair number of 'unsavouries' by handwashing them in a stiff solution of steaming Persil (colourfastness isn't really an issue here). We them steam dry them until they shrink and we hang them out by their ears to finish off. We have managed to successfully flog all of our little home-made 'elves' to Father Christmas who, as you know, is getting so desperate this time of year, he has his own impress service. <br /><br />Must dash - the Rozzers are here and they've got another one for me, so I'd better go and put the kettle on - or should I say kettle<span style="font-weight: bold;">s</span> - all 16 of them - it's thirsty work!<br /></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-70253168693998779352009-11-13T03:58:00.000-08:002015-08-05T13:49:44.118-07:00THE CURIOUS BALLAD OF LADLE & FLIMP<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 85%;">In the heated night of daytime,<br />In the near-off land of Grimp;<br />There lived a fork called Ladle<br />And his wife, whose name was Flimp.<br />They lived downstairs in an attic<br />In a house made out of bread<br />With ironing boards for curtains<br />And a lightbulb flower-bed.<br />They feasted on raw jam jar toast<br />And cornflakes made of cheese.<br />Fed tintacks to the Nubby Mice<br />That sang up in the trees.<br />They had a son called Betsy<br />And a daughter, Alfred, too.<br />They took them to the library<br />To feed the kangaroos.<br />They took them to the circus<br />To buy their weekly food,<br />But for an extra special treat<br />They’d sit at home and brood.<br />In summer they ate hot beef soup;<br />In winter, all new born<br />Were wrapped up tight in icicles<br />To keep them nice and warm.<br />Down from the tin-can rain clouds<br />Came showers of warm tea,<br />And lovely custard rainbows<br />Shone cross the sponge-cake sea.<br />Grimps, closing their umbrellas,<br />In crowds alone did cry,<br />Then all ran out into the rain<br />To keep them nice and dry.<br />Grimp had a mayor called Mayi -<br />He’d changed his name just so<br />When people called “Mayor Mayi …”<br />He could retort with “No!!”.<br />Each year they held a Festival<br />And Coronation Night -<br />The crowning of Grimp King and Queen<br />Amidst much pomp and might.<br />The Grimp throne was heredit’ry<br />Just as it had been voted<br />(And counted more than six times, though<br />Results were never noted)<br />Grimp long had been the victim of<br />Some nasty evil Snuggles<br />Who terrorised the landscape<br />Giving everybody cuddles.<br />The Grimps’ idea of heaven was<br />Both deftly done and quick -<br />A nifty poke into the eye,<br />With pointed bendy stick.<br />But Snuggles they struck fear into<br />The hearts of everyone<br />(For being snuggled was the thing<br />Most Grimps did not like done).<br />The children laughed in terror,<br />And the cats walked for their lives;<br />While bachelors fair panicked<br />As they rounded up their wives.<br />Snuggle raids were pretty rare<br />They happened every week<br />Before he knew what hit him<br />Ladle’s chances looked quite bleak.<br />A soft and evil snuggle had<br />Caught Ladle in it’s grasp<br />Though Ladle fought quite bravely<br />Flimp could tell he would not last.<br />Most fearful for her husband,<br />As he fought to disengage,<br />Flimp cleverly leaned from the book<br />And turned over the page.<br />Of course this altered everything.<br />Folk all seemed quite bemused.<br />The plot became quite muddled<br />And the characters confused.<br />Flimp whispered to her husband<br />“But they won’t know how it ends!”<br />So remember … if a Snuggle asks<br />Just tell it they made friends.</span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-25819817800416137512009-11-10T18:39:00.000-08:002009-11-11T05:05:19.455-08:00LEST WE FORGET<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_AssnB-LiQJ1Bh5M-_lB5OyhAt0YgDLTv8YK7QW4sZTd6nWj4OjDHD7d4UxFa7D0qZ144PM7by2vd7JmuN_V0JGmoAJNLBOYh4LO5cWBX-J0YTlYwVF_nauwtzyOYjirVmJmedETidQ0r/s1600-h/poppy-field-before-the-storm-floriana-barbu.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402670426813518562" style="WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 134px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_AssnB-LiQJ1Bh5M-_lB5OyhAt0YgDLTv8YK7QW4sZTd6nWj4OjDHD7d4UxFa7D0qZ144PM7by2vd7JmuN_V0JGmoAJNLBOYh4LO5cWBX-J0YTlYwVF_nauwtzyOYjirVmJmedETidQ0r/s200/poppy-field-before-the-storm-floriana-barbu.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><strong>"They shall not grow old, as we who are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we shall remember them".</strong></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am so very fortunate to have loved or known only a very small number of people who have had to endure the horror of war, and to have them safely returned to me. I offer my heartfelt and sincere condolences to all those who have lost and waited in vain. </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">May we never know your pain, nor forget our enormous debt of gratitude to those you have lost, and the ultimate sacrifice they made for our continued security and freedom and the preservation of all we now hold so dear, and yet take for granted. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I send my love and gratitude to those brave men and women who today continue to fight to make our world a better place, and for risking their lives to protect those less fortunate than us around the globe. God bless and protect them all and send them home safely. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">We must never forget.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></div>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-52312146974776230272009-11-10T17:04:00.000-08:002015-08-05T13:28:13.851-07:00RULES OF THIS HOUSE<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 85%;">Following further earnest pleas from my long suffering and honest sweet neighbours, I felt that my family needed a firm guiding hand in order to bring our conduct more in line with the most reasonable and patient expectations of theirs downstairs. Thus, it became clear that a new set of house rules was most necessary - and here they are, as now posted outside my front door, so that all may see what an outstandingly considerate neighbour I am.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<div align="center">
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 180%;">ABANDON HOPE</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 180%;">ALL YE WHO ENTER</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 78%;">(I've had to leave out the drips of blood here, as I drew those in by hand)</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 180%;">NO 20</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<div align="center">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">RULES OF THIS HOUSE</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">OF THE LIVING DEAD</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<div align="center">
<span style="font-family: arial;">Understand, ‘fore you’re admitted<br />Laughter here is not permitted<br />Silence is enforced by law<br />Soon as you walk through this door<br /><br />All those o'er one ounce in weight<br />Will be required to levitate<br />Maintaining height of one foot clear<br />In case the folks downstairs should hear<br /><br />You may not shuffle, crawl or walk<br />And never EVER must you talk<br />Conversation’s banned outright<br />(As is loud breathing late at night)<br /><br />All doors in this establishment<br />Are purely there for ornament<br />On no account must they be closed<br />(Or culprits will be rubber-hosed)<br /><br />Happiness is not allowed<br />(Applies to those who smile out loud)<br />If you should titter, bawl or bray<br />You will be caused to 'go away'<br /><br />Claims I once kept a sense of humour<br />I deny as wicked rumour<br />There are no humans in this house<br />‘Tis fit for only dumb, mute mouse<br /><br />So, unless you’re already dead<br />Please sod off somewhere else instead!</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span> </div>
<div align="left">
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The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-14826840693894217462009-11-09T14:09:00.000-08:002009-11-09T15:32:22.270-08:00LAUGHTER REALLY IS THE BEST MEDICINE<span style="font-family:arial;">After what has been the most miserable and depressing day I have had the misfortune in experiencing for many a moon, I needed cheering up - BADLY! I started surfing the Internet. I know. Should've been getting me sums done instead. But it was SO worth it. I came across a website called Comedy Central and although most of the jokes were really corny and old, I persevered and found some absolute corkers. SO ... Here for your entertainment, for one night only, courtesy of Comedy Central (who, I hope, will forgive me on account of me pluggin their website repeatedly) are my favourites:</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">Q: Where would you find a turtle with no arms or legs?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">A: Wherever you put it - dumbass!</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">Q: What's black and white and goes "Moof"?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">A: A cow with buck teeth.</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">Q: What is a wok?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">A: Something you'd throw at a wabbit.</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">A: Bunny-farts <span style="font-size:85%;">(I'm sorry, but I laughed like a schoolboy when I read that one!)</span></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">A: Anything you like mate. He won't come when you call. </span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">A: I guess she just wanted to lay it on the line.</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">AND FINALLY:</span></em><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A cowboy meets an Indian riding out on the plains. The Indian has a dog and a sheep with him.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>COWBOY: Nice dog you have there. Mind if I talk to him?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>INDIAN: Dog no talk.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>COWBOY (to Dog): How you doin'?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>DOG: I'm very well. Thank you for asking.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>COWBOY: Are you treated well?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em>DOG: My master treats me VERY well, thank you. He feeds me great meat, walks me every day and takes me to play in the lake every week.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The Indian is dumbstruck.</span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">COWBOY: That's a real nice horse you have there. D'ya mind if I talk to him?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">INDIAN: Horse no talk.</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">COWBOY (to Horse): You sure are a fine lookin' animal. How ya keepin'?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">HORSE: Couldn't be better, thank you. My master treats me extremely well. I get fed the best oats; I get brushed down regularly and I have my own blanket and shelter from the wind and rain.</span></em><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">The Indian is gobsmacked!</span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">COWBOY: That's a beautiful sheep you have there, too! Can I speak to <strong>him</strong>?</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;">INDIAN: Sheep liar!</span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><em><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-83074194283293728472009-11-07T16:29:00.000-08:002009-11-07T16:53:23.958-08:00STRIKE ME!!<span style="font-family:arial;">The postal strike is OVER!!<br />WHOOPPEE!! Let's have some fun!</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Let's rush out buying station'ry</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">And write to EVERYONE!</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I'll write to Mad Aunt Bernard</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Not seen her for a while -</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I'll pop a squirrel in with it!</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Now that'll make her smile.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">And then I'll write to Uncle -</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Old "Stinky", you recall -</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">His ear-trumpet's clogged up with jam,</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">He hears nothing at all.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">And then I'll write to TFE -</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">And Mrs Eejit, too!</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">With all the gossip to catch up,</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I'd fill a page or two.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I'll need a list - buy LOTS of stamps -</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">My God! I'll need a mortgage!!</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">No matter, I'll .... What's that you say?!</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A bloody FUEL SHORTAGE?!!</span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj60PAg7nbsWncmIsjoqG_XWCQUqw0z1YFV12S7fDYxo07I9Lk-rBGRy1_xZQDL2SLmn9JwUoYQ2PQiLUPHZihR_OLxayMpxowXmLaVy9-8mQf1APceHmL3dZS3jf6h8EmV9ZkdsThBs-Yu/s1600-h/fuel+shortage.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5401528223180354642" style="WIDTH: 126px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 97px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj60PAg7nbsWncmIsjoqG_XWCQUqw0z1YFV12S7fDYxo07I9Lk-rBGRy1_xZQDL2SLmn9JwUoYQ2PQiLUPHZihR_OLxayMpxowXmLaVy9-8mQf1APceHmL3dZS3jf6h8EmV9ZkdsThBs-Yu/s200/fuel+shortage.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj60PAg7nbsWncmIsjoqG_XWCQUqw0z1YFV12S7fDYxo07I9Lk-rBGRy1_xZQDL2SLmn9JwUoYQ2PQiLUPHZihR_OLxayMpxowXmLaVy9-8mQf1APceHmL3dZS3jf6h8EmV9ZkdsThBs-Yu/s1600-h/fuel+shortage.jpg"></a>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-17735115624860721412009-11-01T16:57:00.000-08:002009-11-01T17:07:07.455-08:00A REPORT FROM THE BACK BENCH<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAyUzdWcxHHCTjp-f4zl08syAWEErd87lWdqAhyl5jcrt3Czqka0woZmOj_CV4J399rm2DUz23P333si-QB871WYeWE7rbxi12NISb73sLPWgrLdLTz60lNxjl21i08o9yX0c46ChpBkn3/s1600-h/mps.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399305145337227570" style="WIDTH: 128px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 95px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAyUzdWcxHHCTjp-f4zl08syAWEErd87lWdqAhyl5jcrt3Czqka0woZmOj_CV4J399rm2DUz23P333si-QB871WYeWE7rbxi12NISb73sLPWgrLdLTz60lNxjl21i08o9yX0c46ChpBkn3/s200/mps.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><p><span style="font-family:arial;">I’d like to announce my intention<br />Of becoming a flashy MP.<br />I’m running this coming election<br />And count on you voting for me.<br />I’d like to be a politician,<br />To have my opinions be known.<br />So what if I talk nowt but bollicks -<br />I’d definitely feel right at home<br />With my fellow fossils and tosspots,<br />Whom you pay to fester and moan.<br />By the time you poor lot have all read this<br />I’ve claimed expenses on your home,<br />(On account of my local connections -<br />Of course you remember, don’t you?<br />I looked for my dog in your driveway - </span><span style="font-family:arial;">That was me! Yes! 1972!!).</span></p><p></p>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-42137498309554914352009-10-28T16:56:00.001-07:002015-08-05T13:39:58.034-07:00A WORKING GIRL<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioH7ALPhD0j4I-rQvrIDxQMtEksmaEU9odhQdcJnmQ7tQE9n9gic6xbie3Opxg1LbihtjGhkos2K_ezOT5nBwqKZ4uXQlJdnJcfVnQ0zVcr4qjByNn1Cg-Iog32J-qmatCgjBZhmJtyIFn/s1600-h/brassai_prostitute.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397804166306363858" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioH7ALPhD0j4I-rQvrIDxQMtEksmaEU9odhQdcJnmQ7tQE9n9gic6xbie3Opxg1LbihtjGhkos2K_ezOT5nBwqKZ4uXQlJdnJcfVnQ0zVcr4qjByNn1Cg-Iog32J-qmatCgjBZhmJtyIFn/s200/brassai_prostitute.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; height: 200px; width: 152px;" /></a>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I think I’ll take up prostitution.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">It seems like a fun kind of game.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">It’s good for the old constitution,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">And shouldn’t weigh much on the brain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I think I’ll slip out for a light bulb;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">A bloomin’ great red one, just so<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">A gentleman wanting that service<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Can easily see where to go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I’m <span style="font-style: italic;">told</span> that it’s quite therapeutic -<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">“Lie back, think of England!” they said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Well, what could be better, I ask you,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Than spending your whole day in bed?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Before you go getting ideas<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">‘Bout morals and all that old ham;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I’ll not be partaking of nuttin’ ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Oh, No! I’ve a MUCH better plan!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Of course, I rely on my past here<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">(So ‘Hubby’ tells everyone – Bless!);<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I’m a dead loss in that small arena.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">They’ll be snoring before I undress!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Then, all it requires is good acting,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">So when my poor ‘client’ awakes,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I’ll be lying there flustered and panting,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Complete with ‘vapours’ and the shakes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">I’ll then profess loud and quite clearly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">“Good GRIEF! Are you always that good?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">No ego on earth could resist this!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 100%;">Exit one client, in EXCELLENT mood!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '; font-size: 85%;">PS. It has just been pointed out to me that in order to ATTRACT a client in the first instance, the light bulb is OUT!<span style="font-size: 0;"> </span>It has been further suggested that I should NOT get ideas above my station in considering active participation in any form of finance-based coital activity, as the volume of cash refunds would bankrupt me within a week.<span style="font-size: 0;"> </span>Thanks. <span style="font-size: 0;"> </span>A bunch.<span style="font-size: 0;"> </span></span>
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<br />The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-21866213699637973362009-09-18T15:53:00.000-07:002009-09-18T17:11:11.168-07:00GRAFFITI MkII<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkhrQtS3d6whmGd5owKsCjQ0t_QAZ5O5MaPu2IhzuEaeQWC0ee8JKNSHXNueyR7J67CY8mLTHiEp0afZKrTBbjXqb_nlm0KDSwnWz7Ng7ZF4b-mLGINDVEoooEYezY_HaVi33WeZUPoApE/s1600-h/Banksy+1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 116px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkhrQtS3d6whmGd5owKsCjQ0t_QAZ5O5MaPu2IhzuEaeQWC0ee8JKNSHXNueyR7J67CY8mLTHiEp0afZKrTBbjXqb_nlm0KDSwnWz7Ng7ZF4b-mLGINDVEoooEYezY_HaVi33WeZUPoApE/s200/Banksy+1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5382948496082241122" /></a><br /><br />I couldn't resist having another go at these, as they are just too good to pass by:<br /><br />On a church notice board: "Prepare to meet thy God" to which someone had added "evening dress optional"<br /><br />"Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination"<br /><br />"Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, alright, adequately"<br /><br />"Blow your mind - smoke dynamite!"<br /><br />"Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic"<br /><br />"Sudden prayers make God jump"<br /><br />Outside a farmer's gate "FREE ACCESS" with a little note underneath "Until the Bull charges"<br /><br />On a car park pay & display board "God isn't dead - He just couldn't find anywhere to park"<br /><br />Condom machines seem to provide the best ones, such as ... <br />"Not for sale during French postal strike"<br />"The worst chewing gum I ever tasted"<br />"Subject to VAT if used on the premises"<br />"Buy me and stop one"<br />"Buy two - get one jump ahead"<br /><br />To the question "Is there any intelligent life on earth?" someone had written "No. I'm only visiting"<br /><br />Outside London's Smithfield Livestock Market "DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS" with the small print "They're all dead"<br /><br />"Education kills by degrees"<br /><br />"Don't let the goverment stop hire education"<br /><br />"BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED" .... "Bill Stickers is innocent"<br /><br />On a University notice board "LECTURE THIS EVENING ON SCHIZOPHRENIA" to which a student had added "I've half a mind to go" before another added "I'm in two minds myself"<br /><br />"THE FUTURE IS FEMALE" "Unreliable, full of broken promises, pretty to look at, but horrible to face"<br /><br />Written at the very top of a urinal wall "If you can aim this far, you should be in the Fire Brigade"<br /><br />"DYSLEXIA LURES, KO"<br /><br />"I'm a fairy. My name is Nuff. Fairy Nuff"<br /><br />On the wall of a Datsun dealership "Buy Blitish"<br /><br />"I thought clap was a form of applause until I discovered Smirnoff"<br /><br />"It's no good looking for a joke. There's one in your hand" on the inside wall of Gents toilet<br /><br />And on another one "Christine. If you're reading this. We're through"<br /><br />"Last Tuesday's meeting of the Apathy committee has just been canceled"<br /><br />"Be alert" "Your country needs lerts"<br /><br />And last, but not least, my favourite sickie ... "Texans are living proof that Indians screwed Buffaloes".<br /><br /><br />I've got to stop here, otherwise I'll be going all night!<br /><br />PS: Click on the photo at the top of this post, to see an enlarged view. It's really quite a clever one (painted on 'the wall' in Palestine by a Bristol based Graffiti Artist called Banksy. It's really worth just typing his name into Google Images to get an idea of what he does. His work comes in different shades of thought provoking, political, outrageous, very funny and downright wicked. It's also a lot cheaper than buying one of his books!The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-44447050174026383962009-09-11T14:04:00.000-07:002009-09-11T16:05:13.456-07:00My 5th Sentence.And, no. I am not referring to the 2yrs suspended sentence that I received for trying to help smuggle Mad Aunt Bernard out of Worthing Nick, dressed as a rutting mountain goat (she, not me). And sorry Mum - I didn't tell you about the other 4! <br /><br />I am (of course) referring to Titus's invitation (that is Titus - The Dog that Blogs) that we should turn to page 161 of a book of our choice, and simply record on our blogs the content of the 5th sentence on that page.<br /><br />So ... My 5th sentence reads "I will not". Well? That was good, wasn't it? <br /><br />The book is The Commodore by Patrick O'Brian (one of my favourite authors of all time) and the 17th in his series charting the life and times of Captain Jack Aubrey and his 'particular friend' and ship's surgeon Dr. Stephen Maturin. At page 161 in the story, Dr. Maturin has just joined Captain (now Commodore) Aubrey for dinner in his cabin, and is declining an additional helping of roast duck, for fear of dulling his senses in preparation for a tricky operation in which he must remove bladder stones from an afflicted crew member. <br /><br />The book sees Aubrey's finances and career reach exalting heights, only for his marriage to hit the rocks when he is accused of infidelity, though (on this occasion, at least) innocent in deed, if not in thought, but unable to persuade his long-suffering wife otherwise. This is a direct contrast to the flow of other titles in the series, when the Captain has been dealt repeatedly bitter blows to his finances and career prospects, only to find comfort in the arms of his dear lady wife - not to mention other men's wives on a couple of occasions (including his admiral's!).<br /><br />This is my second journey through the series and never before have I been more grateful for having a brain like a colander, as I can re-read all of my favourite books again and again with the joy never diminishing.<br /><br />One of my greatest disappointments, however, was in the resulting film 'Master & Commander - Far side of the world' which was supposedly based upon Mr O'Brian's novels and characters. Although Russell Crowe's portrayal of Jack Aubrey was superbly in line with the novels, as far as the script would let him; Stephen Maturin's characterisation was dreadful. The casting was superb and even as I read the books again, I can envisage Paul Bettany's wonderful little quirks and eccentricities as the good Doctor. But whoever was responsible for portraying Dr Maturin simply as a slightly dippy ship's doctor, and part-time naturalist, should be shot. In O'Brian's novels, Dr Maturin's role as ship's Surgeon is more frequently a cover for his more important role as a British Intelligence Agent - something that was completely ignored in the film, very much to it's cost. The play-offs and witticisms between the books' two main characters are, in my view, unparalleled. Also completely ignored was Maturin's personal background as the Catholic bastard son of an Irish Cavalry Officer and a Spanish Lady of high birth, giving him the wealth of connections across the world that would later prove invaluable in his intelligence work. His character provides a wonderful contrast between his endearing innocence/ignorance of all things naval (rarely able to board any vessel without falling in), and his sometimes shocking capacity to deal with lethal encounters in his intelligence work, all interspersed with his charming Irish wit (usually going straight over the more bluff Aubrey's head) and genteel forcefulness required in his various roles. No-one could blame Paul Bettany for weeping if he ever read any of O'Brians novels, as he really could (I believe) have delivered it all, if only given the chance.<br /><br />Clearly, you don't have to be a member of the Boys Own Gung-ho Club to enjoy bloody good writing - whatever it's genre. I hope you might be inspired to pick up one next time you're out. I'm sure you won't be disappointed. <br /><br />NOTE: by purest and sweetest coincidence: Billy Boyd, who played Aubrey's coxswain (Barrett Bonden) in the film, also played Pippin in Lord Of The Rings. As a struggling actor, Boyd worked for 7 years as a book binder. One of the books he helped create was - yes - you guessed - Lord Of The Rings!The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-8807142894174315532009-09-04T18:08:00.000-07:002015-08-05T13:47:16.591-07:00LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE ITThe previous post that took this place<br />
Was reconsidered a disgrace<br />
Its style and content made quite clear<br />
To all of those who hold me dear<br />
That dear Mama must stay off gin<br />
And not sit down to type agin<br />
Unless she had recovered first<br />
From shrieking hormonal outburst. <br />
It may well be cleansing to write<br />
But publishing it ain't quite right!The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-82120302819120830012009-09-03T16:23:00.000-07:002009-09-03T17:04:38.758-07:00GRAFFITI<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq87T5xhf6Cfdi8yyRAWKl_bxPxn9tSunshoSxnyrVuXt9dZvTXpkR9YFF3MIb0mhQe8Cwi7Re2BIbY_Gj-f0I6qhxRq4INvm3eGJW5DJOYQ0H-dZ3WU_ywTSFt7vMC84tUaiDTR-bJBUX/s1600-h/graffiti+snail.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 92px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq87T5xhf6Cfdi8yyRAWKl_bxPxn9tSunshoSxnyrVuXt9dZvTXpkR9YFF3MIb0mhQe8Cwi7Re2BIbY_Gj-f0I6qhxRq4INvm3eGJW5DJOYQ0H-dZ3WU_ywTSFt7vMC84tUaiDTR-bJBUX/s200/graffiti+snail.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5377395264715068034" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In trawling through a pile of old paperback books that I recently bought at a Car Boot Sale, I uncovered a little gem of a book called Graffiti Lives OK, compiled by Nigel Rees (the author of Quote, Unquote). Intrigued, I just had to have a peek inside and found I couldn't put it down. Compiled in 1979 and published by Unwin, it reflects that even the 'vandals' and 'hooligans' of that age had a better sense of humour (and, often, decorum) than we are subjected to on television today. Here are just a few of my favourites.</span><br /><br />"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous"<br /><br />Onto a "NO ACCESS" sign, some wit had added the words "Use Barclaycard"<br /><br />"Give masochists a fair crack of the whip"<br /><br />"Tolkein is hobbit-forming"<br /><br />"French dockers rule, au quai"<br /><br />"Peals of laughter, squeals of joy. I was here before Kilroy" To which the answer was added: "Shut your mouth, shut your face, Kilroy built the bloody place".<br /><br />"Alas poor Yorlik, I knew him backwards"<br /><br />"Saliva drools, OK"<br /><br />On a signpost in Lincolnshire identifying the road "TO MAVIS ENDERBY and OLD BOLINGBROKE" were added the words "The gift of a son".<br /><br />On the back of a dirty vehicle, someone had written "Don't clean me - Plant something!"<br /><br />"And the meek shall inherit the earth - if that's alright with you"<br /><br />"God was a woman, until she changed her mind"<br /><br />The words "Cuts out oven doubt" were found written on a contraceptive vending machine.<br /><br />And on another "My Dad says these don't work".<br /><br />Yet another contraceptive machine professed to be "Made in Britain" and it's product "Absolutely safe and reliable", to which someone had written "Yeah? So was the Titanic!"<br /><br />While in a park somewhere, someone had written "Save Trees - Eat Beavers!"<br /><br />But the worst of all was "I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?"<br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I could go on - and on and on - but would love to hear if anyone else has seen or heard of any particularly witty ones. </span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-37395665836425570812009-09-01T12:36:00.000-07:002009-09-01T15:15:21.102-07:00BABBO - The true(ish) and somewhat sobering story of how the Camel really got his humps.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid12OaKODOSmrw58S5FBw1PQKglUrbRs6AlR6U7Z5dsAQCuyHsZDfvkISEqvkSfQFkSDJPHKQ_ower1DjDXzXbIP5mFcxrGdRxtMaqQq8ZcsFTHnXXeHHkCUucliUBAJMX2tJf2SCPtAVE/s1600-h/babbo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid12OaKODOSmrw58S5FBw1PQKglUrbRs6AlR6U7Z5dsAQCuyHsZDfvkISEqvkSfQFkSDJPHKQ_ower1DjDXzXbIP5mFcxrGdRxtMaqQq8ZcsFTHnXXeHHkCUucliUBAJMX2tJf2SCPtAVE/s200/babbo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376622882489744914" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">There was, a long, long time ago,</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />A little camel called Babbo.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Now in those days, odd it may seem,</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />A camel's back was smooth as cream.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Though fair to say they looked like chumps -</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />This tale tells how they got their humps ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">In Babbo's day there lived a King<br />Who, so it seemed, owned <span style="font-style: italic;">everything</span>.<br />Kind Randor, it was true, had never<br />Worked a single hour - not <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span>!<br />So slothful that he would no longer<br />Even tally up his wonga.<br />Now the Royal Lazy Toad<br />Sought further to reduce his load ...<br /><br />"I know!" he cried "I'll give a prize<br />To any man who'll guess the size<br />Of all of my <span style="font-style: italic;">enormous</span> wealth ...<br />This way's <span style="font-style: italic;">much</span> better for my health ...<br />WELL!!? Come on up!! Each man - two tries.<br />Come! See if you can win the prize ..."<br />He'd put his servants to the test,<br />Though they were clearly not impressed.<br />Sheik Ahlegg, Keeper of the Rod,<br />Had simply muttered "Silly sod!"<br /><br />He sent his servants far and wide<br />And out into the countryside<br />They spread the message everywhere ...<br />"ROLL UP! ROLL UP, SIRS (<span style="font-style: italic;">if you dare)<br /></span>Guess how much gold the King had got<br />And WIN the silver in this pot!!"<br /><br />Of course, nobody could resist<br />An opportunity like this.<br />The silver pot was such a size<br />They scarcely could believe their eyes.<br />They came from miles to have a go<br />To see if they could win the dough.<br /><br />'T'was at this time young Babbo came<br />Tied to a Merchant's camel train.<br />The market place was well a-wash<br />With talk of Old King Randor's dosh.<br />Babbo stood close with pricked up ears,<br />That silver would feed him for years!<br />One guess was all he'd need to take ...<br />It really was a piece of cake!<br />So, off he trotted 'cross the yard<br />Toward King Randor's Palace guard ...<br /><br />Two burly guards barked "YOU! This way!"<br />Poor Babbo dared not disobey.<br />Outside the throneroom he could hear<br />The sound of voices, hushed in fear.<br />All but for one voice - loud and shrill<br />(Enough to make an ice-cube chill)<br />King Randor sounded cold and cruel<br />As he screeched "<span style="font-style: italic;">Bring out the next fool</span>!"<br /><br />"Must be a hundred quid or more ..."<br />Said one, but he was 'shown the door'.<br />"There's Fifteen Thousand and Forty-Two ...<br />... AND fourpence ... give or take a few ..."<br />King Randor had this daft old clot<br />Beheaded, right there, one the spot.<br /><br />The King, after what seemed like weeks<br />Of pouting lips and puffing cheeks,<br />Exclaimed "That's IT!! I've had ENOUGH!!!<br />I'm FED UP with this guessing stuff.<br />Fed up with fools all day and night ..."<br />He whined "Will NO-ONE get it right?"<br /><br />"We have one more, Sire. Never fear!"<br />"Yes, Majesty. He's just in here".<br />Again, Randor began to shout<br />"Well don't just <span style="font-style: italic;">stand there</span> ... <span style="font-style: italic;">BRING HIM </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">OUT</span>!!!"<br />The guards rushed in and grabbed Babbo<br />And dragged him out to have his go.<br /><br />Well, there he stood, in finest dress,<br />Before the King, to take his guess.<br />Poor Babbo all but froze in fright<br />(His collar now felt <span style="font-style: italic;">very</span> tight).<br />"Oi! Randor! What's with the Giraffe?!"<br />The Courtiers began to laugh.<br />"But ... I'm a Camel" he lamented<br />"I don't fink G'raffes have been invented".<br /><br />He stared up at the throne in awe -<br />He'd never seen a King before.<br />Randor's impatient fingers drummed<br />As Babbo "Ooh"ed and "Aah"ed and "Umm"ed.<br />No mortal messed with such as he<br />"WELL!!? Come on man! What will it be?"<br /><br />Babbo now shook from head to toe<br />His poor knees knocked like billy-ho,<br />He, stammering and turning red,<br />Just yelled the first thing in his head.<br />The courtiers shrieked with delight<br />At last!! Someone had got it right!!<br /><br />HOWEVER ... there's just one more thing<br />That you should know about the King,<br />He was exceptionally mean<br />And rarely parted with a bean<br />If he could find some way to flout<br />And save himself from paying out.<br />The joyous courtiers had erupted,<br />'Til the vile King interrupted ....<br /><br />"Yes, well done, laddie" Randor said<br />"But don't let this go to your head ...<br />Before the silver gets you hooked ...<br />There's one small point you've overlooked ...<br />I said that I would give the prize<br />To any <span style="font-style: italic;">MAN</span> that guessed the size<br />Of all that's in my treasury ...<br />That's <span style="font-style: italic;">MAN</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">CAMEL</span>, Do you see?..."<br /><br />Even the servants boo'ed and jeered<br />While from the angry throng, there peered<br />One little camel, quite bemused<br />At why on earth he'd been so used.<br />Poor Babbo cried "This just can't be!<br />Kings don't behave like this, you see...<br />Kings are noble, fair and kind ..."<br />(<span style="font-style: italic;">And don't look like a hog's behind)<br /></span>"... They're dashing, handsome, lean and trim ..."<span style="font-style: italic;"><br />(Not like the OAF in front of him)<br /></span>"Kings shouldn't cheat and sneer and shout ..."<br />BAA-DUMPHH!! Too Late! They'd chucked him out.<br /><br />With shoulders stooped and head hung low<br />(And pockets empty) trudged Babbo.<br />So badly did he get the hump<br />That on his back appeared a lump!<br />Astonished people stopped to stare,<br />But Babbo was beyond all care.<br />For shame, the worst was yet to come,<br />For <span style="font-style: italic;">this</span> was only <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Number One</span>!<br /><br />Blinking back his tears in vain<br />He headed for the Camel train,<br />Bout found each step became more bold<br />As thoughts of sweet revenge took hold.<br /><br />How often have you heard folks say<br />That "Every <span style="font-style: italic;">dog</span> must have his day".<br />The stingey monarch should have noted<br />How this proverb's been misquoted -<br />If you look back, I'm sure you'll find<br />It once said "camel" - not canine.<br /><br />A jaunty camel now retraced<br />His steps back to the market place.<br />He'd had this wizardly idea<br />And deftly whispered in the ear<br />Of every man he came across -<br />Though some were clearly at a loss -<br />Do <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">you</span> know what he told the men?<br />You <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">don't</span>?! Well sit and think again!<br />Randor had said he'd give the prize<br />To any <span style="font-style: italic;">man</span> who guessed the size<br />Of all the valuables he'd got -<br />So Babbo told the <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">bloomin' LOT!!<br /><br /></span>Oh BOY! Did Randor get a shock<br />When, shortly after five o'clock,<br />Six HUNDRED men - both rich and poor -<br />Came crashing through the Palace door,<br />Each screaming out the correct sum.<br />He had to pay them - <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">every one</span>!<br /><br />'T'was fair to say the King was cross -<br />You bet your cotton socks he was!<br />'Cross' is a <span style="font-style: italic;">wee</span> bit optimistic ...<br />The man went <span style="font-style: italic;">totally</span> BALLISTIC!!<br />Veins standing purple on his brow<br />He screamed "BRING ME THAT CAMEL <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">NOW</span>!!!"<br /><br />Babbo had hardly gone ten yards<br />When he was knobbled by the guards.<br />Out-numbered more than 10 to 1,<br />He simply had nowhere to run.<br />Then, just to broadcast his defeat,<br />The hung the beast up by his feet.<br />He truly looked a sorry soul,<br />Suspended from that wooden pole.<br /><br />The guards did not dare hesitate -<br />No mere man caused the King to wait -<br />They banged and jostled through the door<br />And dumped the poor beast on the floor.<br />(Babbo bruised far more than his pride ...<br />It was a<span style="font-style: italic;"> very</span> bumpy ride!)<br /><br />The King looked worse from upside down<br />Biting huge chunks from his gold crown<br />"You treacherous scurvy little crow!<br />I ought to slice you head to toe!!<br />And disembowel you - just for fun<br />Right here - in front of everyone!"<br /><br />The camel gave a nervous cough.<br />He didn't want his bonce chopped off!<br />Or split in two, nor - even more -<br />His gizzards strewn out on the floor!<br /><br />"<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Here</span>!! Take your money!! Take your prize!!<br />Begone foul beast ... and Damn your eyes!!!"<br />The King, now screaming fit to pop,<br />Stood up and <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">hurled</span> the silver pot.<br />It Babbo with such a <span style="font-style: italic;">CRACK!<br /></span>It left a huge bump on his back.<br /><br />Then Randor leaned to grab his stick,<br />So Babbo legged it, pretty quick.<br />"There goes he who aspired to sting<br />ME! Randor! His most gracious King!"<br /><br />When out the gates young Babbo ventured<br />(A lot more quickly than he'd entered)<br />His gait, to say the least, was spritely -<br />Relief at having got off lightly.<br />He made his way (despite the pain)<br />Back down towards the camel train.<br /><br />Alas, the traders laughed and jeered,<br />"Oi! Push off, Hump-frey!" One had sneered.<br />('T'was odd to name him thus, mind you -<br />You see, he only had the TWO)<br />"Now where're we gonna put yer pack<br />Wiv those two fingeys on yer back?<br />You'd only have ter give a cough<br />An' ev'ryfin'd just drop off!!<br />Nah! Sorry, mate. But, no can do!<br />I mean ... look at the <span style="font-style: italic;">state</span> of you!"<br /><br />Babbo trudged sadly down the road<br />Oh what a silly little toad<br />He'd been. To go and throw away<br />His job ... His <span style="font-style: italic;">life</span>! And what for, eh?<br />There is, of course, a moral here,<br />A wiser one you've yet to hear.<br /><br />I hope that each of you has learned<br />A lesson with each page you've turned.<br />If you're inclined to court despair<br />By buidling castles in the air,<br />Just stop next time, when things go wrong,<br />Don't let your face hang quite so long.<br />Take care when things don't go your way.<br />Don't get the <span style="font-style: italic;">hump</span> ....<br /> It just might stay!!<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7233013574875126547.post-44806317771816150262009-08-26T04:31:00.000-07:002009-08-26T06:38:16.990-07:00GEORGINA - A story to give hope to the most desperate of parents<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vQiFqXpWwc7EcnntzFvdL7oinYjcrFwzltYZijCrHHs5KLN5WIC7Ej1a2sHA8EPo-dFHtxB0kbeG2qhc-Nmj2snzj3TE0y4oMlm94nHWIBFSr7Al9yUcfX8tprXvKKsarcBzSM-Z_sqT/s1600-h/Georgina.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 153px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vQiFqXpWwc7EcnntzFvdL7oinYjcrFwzltYZijCrHHs5KLN5WIC7Ej1a2sHA8EPo-dFHtxB0kbeG2qhc-Nmj2snzj3TE0y4oMlm94nHWIBFSr7Al9yUcfX8tprXvKKsarcBzSM-Z_sqT/s200/Georgina.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5374233844438287474" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Georgina Pendrille-Beronmilde</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Was, truly, a disgusting child.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Despite her parents' upper class</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">She revelled in the sick and crass.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Georgina would take such delight,</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">On Daddy's Golf Club's 'Supper Night',</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">At anything - name what you will -</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">That made her Parents' guests feel ill.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">By far her favourite party trick</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Was spouting terms for being sick.<br />Like "Throwing chunks" or "Heaving Puss"<br />Or "Driving the porcelain bus"<br />Or there was "Multi-coloured cough" -<br />Oh, how she loved to reel them off!<br /><br />Her parents, fearful of their standing,<br />Expelled their daughter to the landing.<br />Alas, it never did much good.<br />She'd fart as loudly as she could,<br />Then snigger as the stairs would carry<br />Her rear-trumpet voluntary -<br />Reverberating loud and clear,<br />So everyone downstairs could hear.<br />Then she would scream and pull her hair.<br />She drove her poor folks to despair!<br /><br />Concerned she'd never find a man;<br />Their fears grew worse when she met Stan.<br />Although her parents <span style="font-style: italic;">nearly</span> tried<br />They could not help be horrified.<br />For Stanley Fotherhithe McShoe<br />Was <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> a pleasant thing to view.<br />Appearances - a minus three,<br />At birth, fell from the Ugly tree,<br />Hit every branch on his way down -<br />Hence Stanley's constipated frown.<br /><br />A greasy, unattractive yob,<br />Stan was a sixty carat slob,<br />Who found it rather hard to speak,<br />With hoof implanted up his beak.<br /><br />You could have said Stan was unique.<br />A one ... no ... two off, so to speak.<br />Stan's brain had just two cells, you see,<br />A truly challenged soul was he.<br />But two cells suited him just right ...<br />One for the left leg, one for right.<br />T'was all he'd need to get about<br />And ... prayed his folks ... to get him out!<br /><br />Stan had his favourite doggie - Snot,<br />A scabby mutt that stank like rot.<br />He followed Stanley <span style="font-style: italic;">everywhere,<br /></span>Yes, even to the 'you-know-where'!<br />'T'was here they played Stan's favourite game,<br />Called "Don't-get-in-my-way-again"!<br /><br />Stan wasn't given much to sport -<br />He was not the athletic sort.<br />His only claim to victory<br />Was in the distance he could wee.<br />Why, he could score from five feet dead!<br />(Unless blocked by his doggie's head).<br />One always knew when Snot had lost -<br />His spiky bonce betrayed his cost.<br /><br />Now, Stanley's folks did not agree<br />With antics in the lavat'ry,<br />So, if Stan missed (the rotten cheat)<br />And tinkled on the toilet seat,<br />He'd lie and blame it on poor Snot<br />"'Avin' a jrink ... cuz 'e wuz 'ot".<br /><br />But Snot's revenge was better still,<br />He'd pooh in Stanley's Mummy's Dill.<br />Mummy's herbs were sacrosanct,<br />But after Snot, they 'sacro-stanked'!<br />Then Snot would blithely eat his food,<br />While Stanley got his ear-holes chewed.<br /><br />Oh, Boy! The tales that I could tell<br />About this individual!<br />But one thing that was crystal clear,<br />Was his effect on 'Georgie-Dear'.<br /><br />She met Stan in the grocer's shop.<br />Her eyes did glaze. Her jaw went 'Plop!'.<br />To notice him was not that hard ...<br />Fly-swatting with a block of lard.<br />Georgina didn't seem to care<br />That, once swat, he just left them there -<br />Wee leggies thrashing two and fro<br />And struggling like billy-ho.<br /><br />They had the most amazing time,<br />When Stanley took her out to dine.<br />Stan took her to his favourite place -<br />A grubby 'caff' called "Stuff-yer-face".<br />The black bits in the Steak Chasseur<br />Looked very much like rats' manure.<br />They would have had "Dish-de-la-house"<br />But for the smell of gamey mouse.<br /><br />Georgina found it rather sweet<br />Stan laid his hanky on her seat.<br />The hanky - neither clean nor pressed -<br />When she arose, stuck to her dress.<br />She didn't even seem to mind<br />That it glued fast to her behind.<br />Such details didn't bother her,<br />She'd found what she'd been searching for.<br /><br />Yes, giving credit where it's due,<br />Stan was romantic through and through.<br />When he proposed, he didn't botch,<br />(Though spurred on by a quart of Scotch)<br />And down upon one knee he slumped,<br />Right in the place where Snot had 'dumped'.<br /><br />Proposals are a tricky job,<br />But moreso caked in doggie-'bob'.<br />Preoccupied with doggie mess,<br />He didn't hear her answer "Yes".<br />"Oh, Yes! My love" she did repeat ...<br />Too late ... he threw up on her feet.<br /><br />The wedding was a posh affair<br />And everybody 'In' was there;<br />With Lord and Lady Wotsisface,<br />And "Have some more champagne, Your Grace",<br />And Baroness de Oojiflip<br />And every courtesy and quip.<br /><br />Oh, yes. The parents of the bride<br />Had really, really, <span style="font-style: italic;">REALLY</span> tried -<br />They'd even laughed at Stanley's joke -<br />'T'was such a shame - poor Daddy's stroke.<br /><br />His heart attack was not induced<br />Until the happy pair produced -<br />A bonny, bouncing baby girl.<br />Fresh of face and blond of curl.<br />But how on earth would this child fare<br />Considering parental care?<br />'T'was then the couple thought about<br />Just how <span style="font-style: italic;">their</span> offspring would turn out ...<br /><br />You really could expect the worst,<br />Unless you read on through this verse ...<br /><br />For transformation then occurred,<br />Starting with homemade Lemon Curd,<br />Then, every Sunday, half past three,<br />The vicar would come round for tea,<br />Then Coffee Mornings; Bring-and-Buy;<br />Her Mummy was so proud, she'd cry.<br />You'd never <span style="font-style: italic;">dream</span> - whoever could? -<br />What she was like in her childhood.<br /><br />So, parents all, take comfort, do.<br />You've done the best that you can do.<br />Don't end up haggard, grey and lined.<br />The next time that you feel inclined<br />To frown upon them in dismay ...<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">RELAX!!!</span> ... They'll turn out fine ... <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">One</span> day!!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br /></span>The Lesser Weevilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08936694594717599122noreply@blogger.com13