Pub Quiz Genius

For hours you have blessed us with your learned points of view
On everything from head gaskets to who shot Fu Man Chu.
We now know all there is to know about all three World Wars;
The Inca’s who shot Hitler; UHT patio doors.
We were surprised to be informed that Bono sings with Queen;
But how could we dispute this, after all their gigs you’ve seen.
And what a turn up for the books, to find that Dido’s dead!
Extinct for the last century, as I recall you’d said.
And we had simply no idea that Elton once wed Cher
You’re right, of course; a sorry shock for such a well-matched pair.
Nor did we know, we foolish few, that good old JFK
Made chicken, southern fried and finger-licking good, you say.

It’s been a joy to meet you and I’m so glad that I came
When I might just have stayed at home and licked a window pane.
It’s clear I’m much more stupid than I’d ever realised,
And I soooooo love to spend my evenings being patronised.
Feel free to call me any day and we’ll do lunch some time.
Yes, please do take my number: Got a pen? It’s 9-9-9
Oh dear! Have I offended? Why, I must apologise,
Though now I come to think of it, a 'date' might not be wise.
I’ve come to the conclusion (though it’s rare that I do that)
That you are genuinely a complete and total prat.

THE PERFECT FIND

In response to yet another challenge that I couldn't write a peom about navel fluff.



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To all those young and sprightly things

Seeking that perfect man;

I sympathise with your demise,

But criticise your plan.

You wine and dine, Ad Nauseime

And bill and coo all night.

But how in blazes can you tell

If HE is Mr Right?

You ‘shoop-shoop’ all you want, my dear -

His kiss will tell you nowt!

You’ll need to search much lower, if

You’re ever to find out.

No house, car, eyes, nor bank account

Will tell you quite enough.

Pish-Tush! My dear – the answer’s clear –

It’s in his navel fluff!

At your first chance - disco or dance,

Even if you must shout,

You must demand “Here! In my hand!”

And make him GET IT OUT!

There is a knack to fluff ‘attack’-

Know what you’re looking for.

Dead cookies, crumbs, tortilla chips -

Your outlook’s pretty poor.

Cat Hairs – no way – a Mummy’s Boy!

You’ll find no comfort there.

Grass seed? The Weed!! Retreat at speed –

Been trulling the Au Pair!

Is it ALL fluff? The man’s a puff!

He grooms his Teddy gaily;

Is it all grime? Will he have time -

Working sixteen hours daily?

Do you smell beer? – No WAY, my dear!

He spilt it there last night!

He’ll hock the kids and eat the dog

While spoiling for a fight!

Did you find NONE? You’d better run!

He’s covered all his tracks!

A shifty one who’ll ‘carry on’

Behind our very backs.

No, no; The balance must portray

A steady homely chap

Unmoved by half-dressed bimbo’s who

Cavort across his lap.

PTFE Tape, Superglue,

Show merit of some kind.

A tea-bag or an oven mitt

Are also good to find.

Whatever ‘tis you’re looking for

You’ll find out for yourself

The reason why – at 49 -

I’m left here on the shelf!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!!

I just want to hijack my Blog for a moment to wish my 'little' girl a very happy 28th birthday today! We're off to Salisbury for a girl's day out and to meet a pen-friend of hers for coffee. So everybody please pray for sunshine and that my knackered old Ford Galaxy will go the distance!

THE QUEST FOR PERFECTION

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Today you are told it’s so GOOD to be thin!

And trendy to look like a stick.

Fad diets appear every week, month and year

Which you follow although you fall sick.

You’re force-fed with increasingly perverted ways

Of shedding that last ounce of health.

A nation of rabbits allergic to carrots;

The writers’ sure-fire source of wealth.

A cheese and egg sandwich just isn’t the same,

Without some bat scrotum and chips.

Burnt essence of Panda, freeze dried Salamander,

Did THEY have two stone round their hips?

As you crawl ‘cross the floor, croaking weakly for more

Of that Wombat pube extract, you know

If you take it you’ll surely grow sick, weak and poorly,

But, SOD IT! At least you won’t GROW!!!

Toad testis on toast; Gibbon Snibbles; CAT ROAST!!

The list is as strange as it’s long!

Some things no sane person would feed to a pig

And would rather not keep for the pong!

So WHY DO YOU DO IT? Why punish yourselves?

This quest for perfection’s soooo LAME!

Give up! Just accept it! I’m simply the best

And you’ll NEVER turn out quite the same!

WHAT COMES AFTER A BUN IN THE OVEN?

A baby in a pot, of course!

NEWS FLASH

A recent Government sponsored report has revealed that cheap alcohol has been responsible for the deaths of over 4,000 football hooligans, teenage delinquents and 'chavs' in the last year alone. In light of these appalling figures, a key spokesperson for Tesco Stores told journalists that Britain's major retailers remained united in their determination to improve this 'disappointing' performance, but that 'Every Little Helps'".

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

I'd just like to wish all of my friends a very Happy Easter, and to thank the staff at my local Alzheimers Group who have been a tower of strength to me.

WILL HAMES - 60 TODAY!!

Today I wish to hijack my blog to wish my mate Will Hames a very happy 60th birthday. His barmy poems have kept us all amused for many hours and his sense of fun and silliness has spread a little sunshine over some fairly gloomy times. I only hope that now he has his bus pass, he can find the time to write some more - if you haven't seen his blog, then shame on you - you should have; so click the link on mine and enjoy!

So, Many Happy Returns, Will - and many, many more to come.

Oh .... and a Happy New Year to you also!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

I just wanted to wish everybody out there in blog-land a very

Happy Christmas!!

May your sprockets be sprinkled with Santa's Magic Dust and may your doobreys be daubled with holly - and if Holly won't join in the fun, I know a girl who will (I'll be happy to arrange an appointment on a commission basis)

RUDOLPH THE RED-FACED REINDEER

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Couldn't even pull a nag
'Cos he forgot his condoms -
Left 'em all in Santa's bag.
All of the other reindeers
Laughed and jeered at his mishap
'Cos after last year's party
Rudie'd ended up with clap.
Then one frosty Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph, with your 'appetite',
You're off to the Vets' tonight".
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Snorted loud and angrily
And in a flash of hoof prints
Kicked Santa into New Year's Eve.


Here's hoping you all have a very Happy Christmas and a disgracefully prosperous New Year.