After what has been the most miserable and depressing day I have had the misfortune in experiencing for many a moon, I needed cheering up - BADLY! I started surfing the Internet. I know. Should've been getting me sums done instead. But it was SO worth it. I came across a website called Comedy Central and although most of the jokes were really corny and old, I persevered and found some absolute corkers. SO ... Here for your entertainment, for one night only, courtesy of Comedy Central (who, I hope, will forgive me on account of me pluggin their website repeatedly) are my favourites:
Q: Where would you find a turtle with no arms or legs?
A: Wherever you put it - dumbass!
Q: What's black and white and goes "Moof"?
A: A cow with buck teeth.
Q: What is a wok?
A: Something you'd throw at a wabbit.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny-farts (I'm sorry, but I laughed like a schoolboy when I read that one!)
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Anything you like mate. He won't come when you call.
Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
A: I guess she just wanted to lay it on the line.
A cowboy meets an Indian riding out on the plains. The Indian has a dog and a sheep with him.
COWBOY: Nice dog you have there. Mind if I talk to him?
INDIAN: Dog no talk.
COWBOY (to Dog): How you doin'?
DOG: I'm very well. Thank you for asking.
COWBOY: Are you treated well?
DOG: My master treats me VERY well, thank you. He feeds me great meat, walks me every day and takes me to play in the lake every week.
The Indian is dumbstruck.
COWBOY: That's a real nice horse you have there. D'ya mind if I talk to him?
INDIAN: Horse no talk.
COWBOY (to Horse): You sure are a fine lookin' animal. How ya keepin'?
HORSE: Couldn't be better, thank you. My master treats me extremely well. I get fed the best oats; I get brushed down regularly and I have my own blanket and shelter from the wind and rain.
The Indian is gobsmacked!
COWBOY: That's a beautiful sheep you have there, too! Can I speak to him?
INDIAN: Sheep liar!