RULES OF THIS HOUSE

Following further earnest pleas from my long suffering and honest sweet neighbours, I felt that my family needed a firm guiding hand in order to bring our conduct more in line with the most reasonable and patient expectations of theirs downstairs. Thus, it became clear that a new set of house rules was most necessary - and here they are, as now posted outside my front door, so that all may see what an outstandingly considerate neighbour I am.

ABANDON HOPE

ALL YE WHO ENTER

(I've had to leave out the drips of blood here, as I drew those in by hand)

NO 20

RULES OF THIS HOUSE

OF THE LIVING DEAD

Understand, ‘fore you’re admitted
Laughter here is not permitted
Silence is enforced by law
Soon as you walk through this door

All those o'er one ounce in weight
Will be required to levitate
Maintaining height of one foot clear
In case the folks downstairs should hear

You may not shuffle, crawl or walk
And never EVER must you talk
Conversation’s banned outright
(As is loud breathing late at night)

All doors in this establishment
Are purely there for ornament
On no account must they be closed
(Or culprits will be rubber-hosed)

Happiness is not allowed
(Applies to those who smile out loud)
If you should titter, bawl or bray
You will be caused to 'go away'

Claims I once kept a sense of humour
I deny as wicked rumour
There are no humans in this house
‘Tis fit for only dumb, mute mouse

So, unless you’re already dead
Please sod off somewhere else instead!