ANOTHER SPANNER IN THE WEEK

I am sorry to report that I have another Spanner to award this week.

This one goes to the parents of all teenagers in the Chippenham area. It's clear to me that these people are willfully allowing their 'litter' out on the streets of our fair town, whilst in full and evident possession of BOTH legs - I ask you! I have even seen some with EYES!! Aside from being in clear breach of the Rights of Arseholes Act 2006, it is to the clear detriment of the peaceful townfolk here and it should be stopped now! - There is a petition, you know. We are due to present it to the Hon. James Grey M.P. - he being a most distinguished pillock of the community here and righteously legless at most times. What is more, if HIS mother allows him out with HIS eyes, he keeps them firmly shut at all times.

When I was a girl, we were NEVER allowed out with both legs. We were only released moments before school lessons were due to start, 27 miles away, in which case we had no choice but to stick together and run like billy-ho!! It also saved unecessary expense on wear to school socks, as we only needed one at a time - we didn't indulge in such frippery as shoes until we got to University.

We had appointed eye-ball time, in which we could do our homework, pick thorns out of our feet and plan the invasion of France (only on Saturdays, as it was closed the rest of the week, but that was before the Common Market and Cliff Richards were invented).

But with our new Neighbourhood Watch, we have had our successes. Oh yes! By far the most pleasing result has come with the approaching Yuletide preparations. We have managed to dispose of a fair number of 'unsavouries' by handwashing them in a stiff solution of steaming Persil (colourfastness isn't really an issue here). We them steam dry them until they shrink and we hang them out by their ears to finish off. We have managed to successfully flog all of our little home-made 'elves' to Father Christmas who, as you know, is getting so desperate this time of year, he has his own impress service.

Must dash - the Rozzers are here and they've got another one for me, so I'd better go and put the kettle on - or should I say kettles - all 16 of them - it's thirsty work!

THE CURIOUS BALLAD OF LADLE & FLIMP

In the heated night of daytime,
In the near-off land of Grimp;
There lived a fork called Ladle
And his wife, whose name was Flimp.
They lived downstairs in an attic
In a house made out of bread
With ironing boards for curtains
And a lightbulb flower-bed.
They feasted on raw jam jar toast
And cornflakes made of cheese.
Fed tintacks to the Nubby Mice
That sang up in the trees.
They had a son called Betsy
And a daughter, Alfred, too.
They took them to the library
To feed the kangaroos.
They took them to the circus
To buy their weekly food,
But for an extra special treat
They’d sit at home and brood.
In summer they ate hot beef soup;
In winter, all new born
Were wrapped up tight in icicles
To keep them nice and warm.
Down from the tin-can rain clouds
Came showers of warm tea,
And lovely custard rainbows
Shone cross the sponge-cake sea.
Grimps, closing their umbrellas,
In crowds alone did cry,
Then all ran out into the rain
To keep them nice and dry.
Grimp had a mayor called Mayi -
He’d changed his name just so
When people called “Mayor Mayi …”
He could retort with “No!!”.
Each year they held a Festival
And Coronation Night -
The crowning of Grimp King and Queen
Amidst much pomp and might.
The Grimp throne was heredit’ry
Just as it had been voted
(And counted more than six times, though
Results were never noted)
Grimp long had been the victim of
Some nasty evil Snuggles
Who terrorised the landscape
Giving everybody cuddles.
The Grimps’ idea of heaven was
Both deftly done and quick -
A nifty poke into the eye,
With pointed bendy stick.
But Snuggles they struck fear into
The hearts of everyone
(For being snuggled was the thing
Most Grimps did not like done).
The children laughed in terror,
And the cats walked for their lives;
While bachelors fair panicked
As they rounded up their wives.
Snuggle raids were pretty rare
They happened every week
Before he knew what hit him
Ladle’s chances looked quite bleak.
A soft and evil snuggle had
Caught Ladle in it’s grasp
Though Ladle fought quite bravely
Flimp could tell he would not last.
Most fearful for her husband,
As he fought to disengage,
Flimp cleverly leaned from the book
And turned over the page.
Of course this altered everything.
Folk all seemed quite bemused.
The plot became quite muddled
And the characters confused.
Flimp whispered to her husband
“But they won’t know how it ends!”
So remember … if a Snuggle asks
Just tell it they made friends.

LEST WE FORGET

"They shall not grow old, as we who are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we shall remember them".

I am so very fortunate to have loved or known only a very small number of people who have had to endure the horror of war, and to have them safely returned to me. I offer my heartfelt and sincere condolences to all those who have lost and waited in vain. May we never know your pain, nor forget our enormous debt of gratitude to those you have lost, and the ultimate sacrifice they made for our continued security and freedom and the preservation of all we now hold so dear, and yet take for granted.

I send my love and gratitude to those brave men and women who today continue to fight to make our world a better place, and for risking their lives to protect those less fortunate than us around the globe. God bless and protect them all and send them home safely.

We must never forget.

RULES OF THIS HOUSE

Following further earnest pleas from my long suffering and honest sweet neighbours, I felt that my family needed a firm guiding hand in order to bring our conduct more in line with the most reasonable and patient expectations of theirs downstairs. Thus, it became clear that a new set of house rules was most necessary - and here they are, as now posted outside my front door, so that all may see what an outstandingly considerate neighbour I am.

ABANDON HOPE

ALL YE WHO ENTER

(I've had to leave out the drips of blood here, as I drew those in by hand)

NO 20

RULES OF THIS HOUSE

OF THE LIVING DEAD

Understand, ‘fore you’re admitted
Laughter here is not permitted
Silence is enforced by law
Soon as you walk through this door

All those o'er one ounce in weight
Will be required to levitate
Maintaining height of one foot clear
In case the folks downstairs should hear

You may not shuffle, crawl or walk
And never EVER must you talk
Conversation’s banned outright
(As is loud breathing late at night)

All doors in this establishment
Are purely there for ornament
On no account must they be closed
(Or culprits will be rubber-hosed)

Happiness is not allowed
(Applies to those who smile out loud)
If you should titter, bawl or bray
You will be caused to 'go away'

Claims I once kept a sense of humour
I deny as wicked rumour
There are no humans in this house
‘Tis fit for only dumb, mute mouse

So, unless you’re already dead
Please sod off somewhere else instead!

LAUGHTER REALLY IS THE BEST MEDICINE

After what has been the most miserable and depressing day I have had the misfortune in experiencing for many a moon, I needed cheering up - BADLY! I started surfing the Internet. I know. Should've been getting me sums done instead. But it was SO worth it. I came across a website called Comedy Central and although most of the jokes were really corny and old, I persevered and found some absolute corkers. SO ... Here for your entertainment, for one night only, courtesy of Comedy Central (who, I hope, will forgive me on account of me pluggin their website repeatedly) are my favourites:

Q: Where would you find a turtle with no arms or legs?
A: Wherever you put it - dumbass!

Q: What's black and white and goes "Moof"?
A: A cow with buck teeth.

Q: What is a wok?
A: Something you'd throw at a wabbit.

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny-farts (I'm sorry, but I laughed like a schoolboy when I read that one!)

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Anything you like mate. He won't come when you call.

Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
A: I guess she just wanted to lay it on the line.

AND FINALLY:

A cowboy meets an Indian riding out on the plains. The Indian has a dog and a sheep with him.
COWBOY: Nice dog you have there. Mind if I talk to him?
INDIAN: Dog no talk.
COWBOY (to Dog): How you doin'?
DOG: I'm very well. Thank you for asking.
COWBOY: Are you treated well?
DOG: My master treats me VERY well, thank you. He feeds me great meat, walks me every day and takes me to play in the lake every week.
The Indian is dumbstruck.
COWBOY: That's a real nice horse you have there. D'ya mind if I talk to him?
INDIAN: Horse no talk.
COWBOY (to Horse): You sure are a fine lookin' animal. How ya keepin'?
HORSE: Couldn't be better, thank you. My master treats me extremely well. I get fed the best oats; I get brushed down regularly and I have my own blanket and shelter from the wind and rain.
The Indian is gobsmacked!
COWBOY: That's a beautiful sheep you have there, too! Can I speak to him?
INDIAN: Sheep liar!

STRIKE ME!!

The postal strike is OVER!!
WHOOPPEE!! Let's have some fun!
Let's rush out buying station'ry
And write to EVERYONE!

I'll write to Mad Aunt Bernard
Not seen her for a while -
I'll pop a squirrel in with it!
Now that'll make her smile.

And then I'll write to Uncle -
Old "Stinky", you recall -
His ear-trumpet's clogged up with jam,
He hears nothing at all.

And then I'll write to TFE -
And Mrs Eejit, too!
With all the gossip to catch up,
I'd fill a page or two.

I'll need a list - buy LOTS of stamps -
My God! I'll need a mortgage!!
No matter, I'll .... What's that you say?!
A bloody FUEL SHORTAGE?!!

A REPORT FROM THE BACK BENCH

I’d like to announce my intention
Of becoming a flashy MP.
I’m running this coming election
And count on you voting for me.
I’d like to be a politician,
To have my opinions be known.
So what if I talk nowt but bollicks -
I’d definitely feel right at home
With my fellow fossils and tosspots,
Whom you pay to fester and moan.
By the time you poor lot have all read this
I’ve claimed expenses on your home,
(On account of my local connections -
Of course you remember, don’t you?
I looked for my dog in your driveway - That was me! Yes! 1972!!).