Saturday 20 June 2009

MAD AUNT BERNARD'S GUILTY RETURN

I just thought everyone should know that my older sister Mad Aunt Bernard (she is one hundred and eleventy-twelve, you know) is being released from Worthing Nick tomorrow. Yes, I know - she did INDEED keep that quiet. Her husband, Cybil, is off to fetch her first thing - bless.

Well, you know she went to visit her sister there (who was doing a stretch for headbutting an MP) but the silly thing got caught smuggling in toadspawn curries (a local delicacy in those parts, though now banned under the 'Well I Dont Like It So You'll Jolly Well Have To Lump It' Act 1822) and organising illegal cheese rolling bouts.

Of course, it wasn't the fencing they objected to (although it could have done with a tad of creosote) but the fact that she flatly refused to bribe the guards (who were quite sorely put out, apparently) and, when challenged, she started with her incantations and ... well, the rest you can guess.

The governor's hair was falling out anyway - the fella looked downright dropsical, I'd say - but the poor dear copped it for threatening one of her Majesty's best with witchcraft and alopecia. However, she really can't grumble, as they did take six other counts of Goat Skipping (highly dangerous if they're the 'horny' type) and Gibbon Snibbling into account.

I say she got off lightly. I didn't get where I am today by snibbling gibbons. Bloody silly if you ask me, but there it is. So just be nice to her when you see her, will you?

69 comments:

  1. Goat skipping and Gibbon snibbling combined can be good night out as long as there is a full poachers moon .Other than that give me a packet of Rancheros anyday. Hope Aunt B is okay, I'm delighted she is released today , prison is no place for a woman with a beard and a propensity for shrieking.On second thoughts maybe it is, but I'm glad she's out anyway.

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  2. Are you? Well I'm not! We were all certain she'd get twelve months, so we've nicked all her yellow courgettes while she was away - our Mother is a heartless soul and had hers booby-trapped - but now there'll be devil to pay and no pitch hot enough.

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  3. Oh bugger! She'll see this, won't she!?

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  4. She should be grateful to you for not dobbibg her in for sneering at ferrets out of season. I was horrified when I heard about it on the gripefone. Ah well, we all have our little foibles, don't we? And she does make exceedingly good mandrake cordial when she's sober.

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  5. Too right she'll see it, and watch your language my girl!! Heaven forbid that you, TFE, Will and Aunt Bernard should ever meet - can you imagine the mayhem? I have coped with an overworked husband, four teenagers, two dogs, three cats and a toddler all at the same time, but that would be beyond me. On second thoughts it could be quite a laugh.

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  6. Oh Good!! We'll be round for about 3 then. Put the kettle on!

    Oh, and lock up anything with a slightly nervous disposition - No, dear! Put Father down, I say! DOWN!!

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  7. Can I bring my collection of humorously ossified sphincters with me? There's a long and embarrassing tale to each one of them. Or I could settle for drinking beer and talking bholox as usual.

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  8. Kindly leave your sphincter out of this, young man! I am a grand-mother! I didn't get where I am today by taking an unhealthy interest in young men's sphincters. All right, so I did once or twice. But only if the neighbours weren't looking and while I was waiting for my world famous Granny's Farmhouse Weasel Jam to boil (not to be mistaken for that cheap and tacky interloper Grandma's Famous Stoat Preserve - they're weasily distinguished because they're stotally different).

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  9. Thankyou for visiting my blog Weev, and leaving such a nice comment. I am getting on well with the fifth and final vessel and have completed all three sides, sewn two together and have the last one to stitch in place. I hope to be able to post a photo of it and a group of all five on Friday evening as I'm out all day tomorrow. If not then, it will be over the weekend.

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  10. Slander! Bejabers and horrors! (apart from the husband bit, I would love a husband called Cybil, but he said I am too old and smelly for him and snapped off the engagement)...
    I however, would love to see a collection of ossified sphincters, and I think Weev, that they would compliment your display of dried penguin tits. Blessings, and a rain of cow-gribleys upon you.. As for the toad-spawn curry - come see my blog x x x

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  11. You PROMISED you would never tell ANYONE about my collection of dried penguin tits. That was supposed to be our secret - AND YOU TOLD!! I'm not talking to you now - AND I'm tellin' Mum!

    Nah nah nah, nah nah nah - See? Not listening!

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  12. But you are cos you're still reading - I can tell. And i had my fingers cross when I promised. As for telling mum...Chinny reckon....

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  13. After such a public display of childishness, I think I shall disown the pair of you!! Play nicely or not at all!!!

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  14. I can't think of anything growed up to say to that except that it was unlucky to have 13 comments on this post. Also - you KNOW I've always got to have the last word!

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  15. No thank you, it's past my bed-time.

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  16. Ok, I'll just have a 'Last Word' special on my own, in a tall glass, over ice, with an umbrella....and a mariachi band playing 'you lady win the lasto wordo' in the background.

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  17. That means I'm still ahead with a pint of Last Word.

    I'm reading a good book by the way, it's called 'Last Word', by Lastio Wordo. And it's about winning daft competitions with siblings and the terrible way it shows up how you've got nothing better to do than check if your dear older sister has indeed had, the last word. x

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  19. With a face like a dropped pie....

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  20. Flipperty-gibbets to you, my girl ... and yer li'le dawg too!

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  21. P.S. Just what DID you say in the comment that you later decided was too bad even for MY blog and had to remove it? It's just that I've got Mum on the phone and I'm tellin'.

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  22. HA! You've given up, haven't you? I got the last word, I got the last word!

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  23. Five days I've been on my island....

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  24. You can't fool me that way either.....which is why I am truly posting...THE LAST WORD x

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  25. Fine. (am going all flouncy now)

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  26. Well don't stumble on the way out, dearie!

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  27. Now look what you've done - I've startled myself

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  28. Never mind. Sit down, put your feet up and enjoy a nice relaxing cup of Shutthefuckup.

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  29. Drank it, enjoyed it, and followed it with a slice of Home Made 'You Lost The Last Word Competition! and it was lovely

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  30. ANNOUNCEMENT BY BLOG.SPOT:

    The next person to leave a comment on this post is a wrinkly old fart who delights in sucking baby sick through a cheesy sock, served with a liberal helping of mouse-cornflakes (dandruff to you and me) while watching old episodes of Call my Bluff and spanking their spouse with a mouldy kipper and singing "I'm a lumberjack".

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  31. Just how do they know this??? It's not on my profile page??

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  32. Well look again - it's all in the small print ... Dagnabbit!!

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  33. I can't read small print, my eyes are ceramic!

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  34. I can't read anything at all. I have to get my cat to type this out for me. Shit! I've just realised that I haven't got a cat - see? I couldn't even read the advert properly!

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  35. If it's not your cat, why do you hoover it? Who's is it?

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  36. Alright, alright! So it's not REALLY a cat. It's actually my neighbour's husband - he answers of the name of 'pussy'. It was a mistake anyone could have made. Besides, he wasn't complaining - at least I fed him twice a day and vacuumed him AND let him out at night (and he didn't claw MY furniture!).

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  37. But he's not house trained and he's got canker....

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  38. Yes, but I blame that on the grandchildren and get them thrashed soundly and put to bed - not the canker, the housetraining bit.

    You can't really blame anyone for canker. It's all due to the Spanish Inquisition, you see. We did it in History. Took us a bit by surprise, really. Well, no-one expected it.

    Go on - you have my permission and you'll never get a better intro than that.

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  39. Quite...we didn do The Spanish Inquisition at school, such a surprise....as nobody expects The Spanish Inquisition.

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  40. psssst! I really had anticipated more of a "NO-ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!" ... But, thur tis. Yu cun lead a hoss tu watr but yu canna mekit drink!

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  41. I'm not quite sure what accent that was supposed to be, but it was shite - that's it! Shite from the Shiteland Isles!!

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  42. Or just bollocks. As usual.
    And you thought I'd forgotten about this, didn't you?!!! Well - go and have a swig of 'Old Blakeys Last Word Defeat'.....

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  43. Why thank you, my dear ....... don't mind if I do!

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  44. Mwahahahahaha! I won! I won! I beatcha!

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  45. Pssssst! Are you still there, or have you nipped out cheese fondling or toad rolling?

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  46. a-HAA!!! That means I've WON. Gadies and Lentlemen (I had some of those in my soup yesterday); please now do you come pay homage to she who is (now without doubt) the queen of the VERY LAST WORD!! I thank you. Please make cheques and all monetary offerings payable to: Sad-Old-Fart-Who-NEVER-quits-and-simply-hasn't-learned-the-value-of-shutthefuckupwench!

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  47. Yes, your title's still in place.......





    NOT!!!!

    This is me having the word at the end of the line, the word after which there is no other....The Last Word.

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  48. What kind of a sister are you?? I wait almost a bloody YEAR for an answer ....

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  49. And you got one.....HA!!! Patience is a virtue.

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  50. No really, it is....









    Just call me 'Last Word Lucy'.....x

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  51. Or Rast Word Rucy, if you have Japanese inflections - which have been known to make your giblets thrunkle somewhat.

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