Thursday, 25 June 2009


Well, that's it. I'm going mental. I just thought you ought to know.
Though I still appear quite normal, there are weeny signs that show.
I like talking to the Beavers, though the Beavers have gone home.
But I carry on regardless, when I know I'm quite alone.

Then I polish bits of biscuit that look messy on the plate
And if I can't get them shiny - Ooooooh! I do get so irate!
Now I've started reading bookends - cos they've got to end somewhere.
I've found that's where all the best bits are. The rest? I just don't care!

I keep my knickers in the fridge, beside the toast and Spam.
Why do I do this, you may ask. I do, because I can.
I wear my specs atop my head, out of necessity.
That way I cannot see my nose. It frightens me, you see.

I sneak about outside the shops and quickly swap around
The doggies that are tethered there, just so they can't be found.
I creep up on old people and I whisper "I smell wee"
But when they see the puddle, well, they know that it was me.

I angrily march into banks, demand they count their money
Just so that I can sing along - Can't think why they get funny.
I've started ironing Pop Tarts, though I've no idea why.
It makes my teeth smell funny and pings crumbs into my eye.

I like to collect traffic lights and keep them in my drawer.
Even my lawyer told me he'd not heard that one before.
I yodel into post boxes and wait for a reply.
And if I don't receive one, I write letters asking why.

I like to tell Policemen they've a weasel in their hat.
Then, when they take it off to look, I WHACK 'em - just like that!
I'm a menace to society, of that there is no doubt.
But, when they come to get me, I'll just tell them I've gone out.


  1. Ah, dear Weev, this is an absolute gem! You remind me of a Terry's Chocolate Orange, which is another way of saying you ought to be sectioned! Congratulations on a fine piece of work.

  2. Why, thank you, Will. I really must remember your line about the chocolate orange. It aptly fits so many members of the family.

  3. Cheers love. I'll remember that when you've run out of Old Moorhen's Beak and need a wee dram.
    Great poem, although something made me wonder about the pop was so random that I reckon you've actually tried it.
    If so, could I have a flat one, please?

  4. And love the photo, I had a volunteer at the Heart Foundation that looked like that. I never let her near the cotton reels...

  5. Well it's the first time I've posted a photo of me - in the flesh - on my blog, so I wanted to look pretty. Alright, so you can tell it's a fake - she's got more teeth!

  6. Love the photo darling - I'd no idea you could look so good. Haven't seen those ear-rings before and have you got new specs? The poem is pretty good too - it's given me some great ideas for when I get a bit older and find time dragging.

  7. Time dragging is ok, but she should have a poem about breasts dragging (on the ground) and how to cope with that. I'm sick of rolling them up and pinning them out of harms way....

  8. Mummy, darling! Where do you think I got my inspiration from? Glad you like the photo, though - and, yes, they ARE my new glasses. But what you can't see is that the photo was a nude pose for the front cover of Specsavers monthly magazine. They obviously thought that anyone seeing it would immediately be scared witless into buying new glasses cases - to shut their eyeballs in. Glad you liked the earings - I wore matching tassles, you know.

  9. I'm sorry MAB, but did you not notice my new ear-rings - they are, in fact, the latest fashion receptacles for certain appendages of a certain age. They are quite comfortable and take the weight of your spine - albeit only to give you a sore neck.

  10. It's freaky, Weev, but you do bear a slight resemblance to Vanessa Redgrave.....with or without the chiropractic earrings.

  11. Keep going, keep going. Everyone'll think this is an actual photo of me. Please don't tell them I look like Robbie Coltrane before he waxed.

  12. Get a nun's wimple and you'd look exactly the same though....

  13. I've never been a ****ing nun before! - Oh no, that was Eric Idle.

  14. I could remember that though - Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. It beats anything the armed forces can come up with!