Saturday, 20 June 2009

MAD AUNT BERNARD'S GUILTY RETURN

I just thought everyone should know that my older sister Mad Aunt Bernard (she is one hundred and eleventy-twelve, you know) is being released from Worthing Nick tomorrow. Yes, I know - she did INDEED keep that quiet. Her husband, Cybil, is off to fetch her first thing - bless.

Well, you know she went to visit her sister there (who was doing a stretch for headbutting an MP) but the silly thing got caught smuggling in toadspawn curries (a local delicacy in those parts, though now banned under the 'Well I Dont Like It So You'll Jolly Well Have To Lump It' Act 1822) and organising illegal cheese rolling bouts.

Of course, it wasn't the fencing they objected to (although it could have done with a tad of creosote) but the fact that she flatly refused to bribe the guards (who were quite sorely put out, apparently) and, when challenged, she started with her incantations and ... well, the rest you can guess.

The governor's hair was falling out anyway - the fella looked downright dropsical, I'd say - but the poor dear copped it for threatening one of her Majesty's best with witchcraft and alopecia. However, she really can't grumble, as they did take six other counts of Goat Skipping (highly dangerous if they're the 'horny' type) and Gibbon Snibbling into account.

I say she got off lightly. I didn't get where I am today by snibbling gibbons. Bloody silly if you ask me, but there it is. So just be nice to her when you see her, will you?
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69 comments:

  1. Totalfeckineejit20 June 2009 at 15:37

    Goat skipping and Gibbon snibbling combined can be good night out as long as there is a full poachers moon .Other than that give me a packet of Rancheros anyday. Hope Aunt B is okay, I'm delighted she is released today , prison is no place for a woman with a beard and a propensity for shrieking.On second thoughts maybe it is, but I'm glad she's out anyway.

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  2. The Lesser Weevil20 June 2009 at 15:46

    Are you? Well I'm not! We were all certain she'd get twelve months, so we've nicked all her yellow courgettes while she was away - our Mother is a heartless soul and had hers booby-trapped - but now there'll be devil to pay and no pitch hot enough.

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  3. The Lesser Weevil20 June 2009 at 15:47

    Oh bugger! She'll see this, won't she!?

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  4. Will20 June 2009 at 19:49

    She should be grateful to you for not dobbibg her in for sneering at ferrets out of season. I was horrified when I heard about it on the gripefone. Ah well, we all have our little foibles, don't we? And she does make exceedingly good mandrake cordial when she's sober.

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  5. Heather22 June 2009 at 12:57

    Too right she'll see it, and watch your language my girl!! Heaven forbid that you, TFE, Will and Aunt Bernard should ever meet - can you imagine the mayhem? I have coped with an overworked husband, four teenagers, two dogs, three cats and a toddler all at the same time, but that would be beyond me. On second thoughts it could be quite a laugh.

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  6. The Lesser Weevil23 June 2009 at 05:52

    Oh Good!! We'll be round for about 3 then. Put the kettle on!

    Oh, and lock up anything with a slightly nervous disposition - No, dear! Put Father down, I say! DOWN!!

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  7. Will23 June 2009 at 09:14

    Can I bring my collection of humorously ossified sphincters with me? There's a long and embarrassing tale to each one of them. Or I could settle for drinking beer and talking bholox as usual.

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  8. The Lesser Weevil23 June 2009 at 09:32

    Kindly leave your sphincter out of this, young man! I am a grand-mother! I didn't get where I am today by taking an unhealthy interest in young men's sphincters. All right, so I did once or twice. But only if the neighbours weren't looking and while I was waiting for my world famous Granny's Farmhouse Weasel Jam to boil (not to be mistaken for that cheap and tacky interloper Grandma's Famous Stoat Preserve - they're weasily distinguished because they're stotally different).

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  9. Heather24 June 2009 at 11:34

    Thankyou for visiting my blog Weev, and leaving such a nice comment. I am getting on well with the fifth and final vessel and have completed all three sides, sewn two together and have the last one to stitch in place. I hope to be able to post a photo of it and a group of all five on Friday evening as I'm out all day tomorrow. If not then, it will be over the weekend.

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  10. Mad Aunt Bernard24 June 2009 at 12:17

    Slander! Bejabers and horrors! (apart from the husband bit, I would love a husband called Cybil, but he said I am too old and smelly for him and snapped off the engagement)...
    I however, would love to see a collection of ossified sphincters, and I think Weev, that they would compliment your display of dried penguin tits. Blessings, and a rain of cow-gribleys upon you.. As for the toad-spawn curry - come see my blog x x x

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  11. The Lesser Weevil24 June 2009 at 14:02

    You PROMISED you would never tell ANYONE about my collection of dried penguin tits. That was supposed to be our secret - AND YOU TOLD!! I'm not talking to you now - AND I'm tellin' Mum!

    Nah nah nah, nah nah nah - See? Not listening!

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  12. Mad Aunt Bernard24 June 2009 at 17:08

    But you are cos you're still reading - I can tell. And i had my fingers cross when I promised. As for telling mum...Chinny reckon....

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  13. Heather25 June 2009 at 10:21

    After such a public display of childishness, I think I shall disown the pair of you!! Play nicely or not at all!!!

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  14. The Lesser Weevil25 June 2009 at 13:37

    I can't think of anything growed up to say to that except that it was unlucky to have 13 comments on this post. Also - you KNOW I've always got to have the last word!

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  15. Mad Aunt Bernard26 June 2009 at 14:28

    It seems you don't....

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  16. The Lesser Weevil26 June 2009 at 14:35

    Oh yes I do!

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  17. Mad Aunt Bernard26 June 2009 at 15:14

    Arse

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  18. The Lesser Weevil26 June 2009 at 15:43

    Feck!

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  19. Mad Aunt Bernard26 June 2009 at 16:09

    Drink!

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  20. The Lesser Weevil26 June 2009 at 16:15

    No thank you, it's past my bed-time.

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  21. Mad Aunt Bernard26 June 2009 at 17:55

    Ok, I'll just have a 'Last Word' special on my own, in a tall glass, over ice, with an umbrella....and a mariachi band playing 'you lady win the lasto wordo' in the background.

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  22. The Lesser Weevil27 June 2009 at 15:10

    I'll have 'alf!

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  23. Mad Aunt Bernard27 June 2009 at 15:31

    That means I'm still ahead with a pint of Last Word.

    I'm reading a good book by the way, it's called 'Last Word', by Lastio Wordo. And it's about winning daft competitions with siblings and the terrible way it shows up how you've got nothing better to do than check if your dear older sister has indeed had, the last word. x

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  24. Will28 June 2009 at 01:39

    Amen. Gotcha!

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  25. The Lesser Weevil28 June 2009 at 12:44

    Oh no you didn't!!

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  26. Mad Aunt Bernard28 June 2009 at 13:34

    Beg to differ....

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  27. The Lesser Weevil28 June 2009 at 17:14

    Dirty little begger!!

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  28. JustJules29 June 2009 at 11:05

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  29. JustJules29 June 2009 at 11:06

    Foul-Mouthed Slattern!

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  30. Mad Aunt Bernard29 June 2009 at 11:07

    With a face like a dropped pie....

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  31. The Lesser Weevil29 June 2009 at 11:37

    Flipperty-gibbets to you, my girl ... and yer li'le dawg too!

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  32. The Lesser Weevil29 June 2009 at 13:04

    P.S. Just what DID you say in the comment that you later decided was too bad even for MY blog and had to remove it? It's just that I've got Mum on the phone and I'm tellin'.

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  33. The Lesser Weevil30 June 2009 at 02:33

    HA! You've given up, haven't you? I got the last word, I got the last word!

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  34. Mad Aunt Bernard30 June 2009 at 12:11

    Five days I've been on my island....

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  35. The Lesser Weevil1 July 2009 at 17:10

    Oh, Fuck It!! You Win!!

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  36. Mad Aunt Bernard2 July 2009 at 05:12

    You can't fool me that way either.....which is why I am truly posting...THE LAST WORD x

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  37. The Lesser Weevil2 July 2009 at 15:15

    OK

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  38. Mad Aunt Bernard2 July 2009 at 16:52

    Fine. (am going all flouncy now)

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  39. The Lesser Weevil3 July 2009 at 07:26

    Well don't stumble on the way out, dearie!

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  40. Mad Aunt Bernard5 July 2009 at 13:15

    Now look what you've done - I've startled myself

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  41. The Lesser Weevil5 July 2009 at 14:30

    Never mind. Sit down, put your feet up and enjoy a nice relaxing cup of Shutthefuckup.

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  42. Mad Aunt Bernard5 July 2009 at 15:38

    Drank it, enjoyed it, and followed it with a slice of Home Made 'You Lost The Last Word Competition! and it was lovely

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  43. The Lesser Weevil6 July 2009 at 13:34

    Ah, but DID I?

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  44. The Lesser Weevil6 July 2009 at 13:38

    ANNOUNCEMENT BY BLOG.SPOT:

    The next person to leave a comment on this post is a wrinkly old fart who delights in sucking baby sick through a cheesy sock, served with a liberal helping of mouse-cornflakes (dandruff to you and me) while watching old episodes of Call my Bluff and spanking their spouse with a mouldy kipper and singing "I'm a lumberjack".

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  45. Mad Aunt Bernard6 July 2009 at 14:18

    Just how do they know this??? It's not on my profile page??

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  46. The Lesser Weevil6 July 2009 at 14:50

    Well look again - it's all in the small print ... Dagnabbit!!

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  47. Mad Aunt Bernard8 July 2009 at 10:33

    I can't read small print, my eyes are ceramic!

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  48. The Lesser Weevil22 July 2009 at 19:01

    I can't read anything at all. I have to get my cat to type this out for me. Shit! I've just realised that I haven't got a cat - see? I couldn't even read the advert properly!

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  49. Mad Aunt Bernard27 July 2009 at 11:57

    If it's not your cat, why do you hoover it? Who's is it?

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  50. The Lesser Weevil31 July 2009 at 15:55

    Alright, alright! So it's not REALLY a cat. It's actually my neighbour's husband - he answers of the name of 'pussy'. It was a mistake anyone could have made. Besides, he wasn't complaining - at least I fed him twice a day and vacuumed him AND let him out at night (and he didn't claw MY furniture!).

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  51. Mad Aunt Bernard4 August 2009 at 03:59

    But he's not house trained and he's got canker....

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  52. The Lesser Weevil4 August 2009 at 13:55

    Yes, but I blame that on the grandchildren and get them thrashed soundly and put to bed - not the canker, the housetraining bit.

    You can't really blame anyone for canker. It's all due to the Spanish Inquisition, you see. We did it in History. Took us a bit by surprise, really. Well, no-one expected it.

    Go on - you have my permission and you'll never get a better intro than that.

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  53. Mad Aunt Bernard10 August 2009 at 05:23

    Quite...we didn do The Spanish Inquisition at school, such a surprise....as nobody expects The Spanish Inquisition.

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  54. The Lesser Weevil10 August 2009 at 13:42

    TA-DAH!!!!

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  55. The Lesser Weevil10 August 2009 at 13:45

    psssst! I really had anticipated more of a "NO-ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!" ... But, thur tis. Yu cun lead a hoss tu watr but yu canna mekit drink!

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  56. The Lesser Weevil19 August 2009 at 14:27

    I'm not quite sure what accent that was supposed to be, but it was shite - that's it! Shite from the Shiteland Isles!!

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  57. Mad Aunt Bernard24 August 2009 at 13:34

    Or just bollocks. As usual.
    And you thought I'd forgotten about this, didn't you?!!! Well - go and have a swig of 'Old Blakeys Last Word Defeat'.....

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  58. The Lesser Weevil28 August 2009 at 14:04

    Why thank you, my dear ....... don't mind if I do!

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  59. The Lesser Weevil5 September 2009 at 12:25

    Mwahahahahaha! I won! I won! I beatcha!

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  60. Mad Aunt Bernard9 September 2009 at 13:03

    Yadda, yadda, yadda.....

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  61. The Lesser Weevil2 October 2009 at 11:36

    Oh! By the way ...........

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  62. The Lesser Weevil8 October 2009 at 08:44

    Pssssst! Are you still there, or have you nipped out cheese fondling or toad rolling?

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  63. The Lesser Weevil21 October 2009 at 14:22

    a-HAA!!! That means I've WON. Gadies and Lentlemen (I had some of those in my soup yesterday); please now do you come pay homage to she who is (now without doubt) the queen of the VERY LAST WORD!! I thank you. Please make cheques and all monetary offerings payable to: Sad-Old-Fart-Who-NEVER-quits-and-simply-hasn't-learned-the-value-of-shutthefuckupwench!

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  64. The Lesser Weevil23 December 2009 at 17:31

    'S'alright. I'm just checkin'.

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  65. Mad Aunt Bernard20 November 2010 at 15:10

    Yes, your title's still in place.......





    NOT!!!!

    This is me having the word at the end of the line, the word after which there is no other....The Last Word.

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  66. The Lesser Weevil20 November 2010 at 16:14

    What kind of a sister are you?? I wait almost a bloody YEAR for an answer ....

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  67. Mad Aunt Bernard21 November 2010 at 05:40

    And you got one.....HA!!! Patience is a virtue.

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  68. Mad Aunt Bernard9 January 2011 at 05:33

    No really, it is....









    Just call me 'Last Word Lucy'.....x

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  69. The Lesser Weevil30 May 2011 at 14:02

    Or Rast Word Rucy, if you have Japanese inflections - which have been known to make your giblets thrunkle somewhat.

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