Monday, 11 May 2009

Resident Weevil

A cautionary tale about the effects of taking too much interest in your neighbours' movements (and not enough in your own!).

You'd not believe! - whoever would? -
What's lurking in our neighbourhood.
With strange and sinister 'goings-on'
- I knew that there was something wrong!

It's all to do with her downstairs -
Her Ladyship - the one with airs.
She's got a husband, too, you know,
A sullen looking so-and-so,
The poor man is her captive slave -
She beats him when he won't behave!
I'm told she shuts him in a room
And pokes him with a pointy broom!

Apparently, the wife's a 'chav',
But lacks what dress-sense they may have.
What is she lacking? You might ask -
Aside from a full-facial mask.

They've got two children, so I'm told
One Boy, one girl - not very old.
The children are a total fright
They howl and spit and drool and bite!
And bare their teeth - have nits - and fleas -
And every conceivable disease!
5 Postmen in this year, to date,
Have fallen to these reprobates!

No shoulder would we wish to rub
With Mr & Mrs Beelzebub!

And now I'll tell you one thing more -
She paints strange signs upon her door!
They tempt in neighbours' pussy-cats
Which they then baste in seasoned fats
And barbeque them 'til they're done!
And then devour them - one by one!
Then, half past ten, on dustbin day,
She bags the skins to throw away
So nobody can ever trace
What goes on in that dreadful place!

Another neighbour - Emily Prince -
(We haven't seen her ever since!)
Went down to knock upon their door
(Last Tuesday week, at half past four)
- She only went to ask if they
Knew what had happened to Mrs Wray.

Well, Dulcie Wray - the landlords' clerk -
Had foolishly gone there - after dark!!
WELL! - we all saw her going in,
But then, there's this ALMIGHTY din ... !

Well ... I'll leave you to work it out,
But Dulcie Wray DID NOT COME OUT!!

And now, poor Emily - like as not -
Has joined her in the COOKING POT!!!
If you peer through their kitchen blind,
A HUGE black Cauldron's what you'll find!!

Well ... p'haps that last bit isn't quite true ...
But - you never know, these days - do you?

And, come to think, I'm not too sure
If it was 5 Postmen, or 4.
You're right, yes - now I think of it,
I've never seen her children spit.
And ... What? ... Who's this? Oh! Silly me!!
It's Mrs Wray - at No. 3!

Perhaps I'm wrong ... Perhaps it's ... WELL!!!
... But, these days ... you can NEVER tell!!!

(Dedicated to my neighbour, who takes such an avid interest in my family's movements, that I never need to ask them what they're up to - she'll know!


  1. I immediately need to know the following:
    Exactly how many weevils are you the 'lesser' of? I firmly beleive, that in life and poetry, one should always be the lesser of two weevils.
    Blessings of oddness upon you and yours,
    Aunt B

  2. I am the lesser of but one - I have an inferiority complex, you see. And your comments have now made me feel even lesser - I am now but half a weevil. And which would you rather find in your cornflakes - a lesser weevil or half a weevil. A pox on you and your readibrek!

  3. That's no way to reply to a friendly comment. I'd rather not find even a morsel of weevil in my cornflakes. Love the cautionary tale.