Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Can you afFORD not to buy Japanese?

I dedicate this lengthy blog
To the Fanny-heads at FORD
You know, the ones who made the car
That I had once adored.

My car just had it's MOT
It passed - Who'd ask for more?
But then it split a water hose
And wee'd all over the floor!

Now anyone with any sense
Would shout (you might suppose)
"Just stop your belly-aching, Wench
And get another hose!"

But "Noooo!! You can't do that, my dear",
The trolls at Ford they cried.
"You cannot get another, 'cos
They've all been MODIFIED!"

"You cannot buy the bit you want.
Don't make 'em any more.
You have to buy this NEWER bit -
It's better than before"

"This one's got 'alf yer engine in -
All globuled into one!
And when you go to fix it - WELL!
It's MUCH more bloomin' fun!"

"Cos when you fixes this yer bit,
You'll very likely see
It won't fit ANY other bits
That you have currently!"

"Instead of just two little clips
And then you're done 'n' bored -
You've now got 3 weeks work to do
An' yer engine's FULLY RESTORED!!"

But the newer bits have newer bolts
And screws - Oh, No! - Can't mix it!
You've got to buy the NEWER TOOLS
Just so that you can fix it!

The real shitter of this is
The Ford twat didn't say
A word about this 'til the THIRD
WRONG part was on it's way!

THREE TIMES I've trundled up and down
To fix my bloody car
With more little bags of more little bits
And an organ pickled in a jar (well, perhaps not that bit)

Tomorrow I will try again.
Again I won't succeed.
'Cos the latest bit is slightly shy
Or doesn't want to breed.

Or it doesn't like the other bits
'Cos one called it a 'twit'.
Or a multitude of reasons
For the bugger not to fit.

But, evermore the optimist -
I'll never brood or boil -
I'll cut the sodding roof right off
And fill it full of soil.
I'll plant the bastard full of bulbs -
Daffs, crocuses, whatever! -
VOILA!! - We'll have the most expensive


  1. Instructions for vengeance (from Aunt Vom) - buy crossbow, take aim, fire, stamp on bits that are left, take picture on box brownie, post in local paper. You no get trouble again lady...and why I've suddenly become chinese I will never know x

  2. Love it - it's one of your best. At least you can at last say 'All's well that ends well'. As for the blowdart injury - rub a bit of Savlon on it, that usually heals anything.

  3. Except cow bites, it's not very good for that.

  4. Lovely performance piece, especially the pickled organ in a jar. Bet they didn't expect that! Mummification's too good for some people.

  5. We had similar trouble when we sent Jimmy the butler to get a new thrust bearing for the portcullis.