Tuesday, 19 May 2009


WARNING: The following should only be read by the extremely immature; grubby schoolboys; and Mad Aunt Bernard (who understands my mental affliction but still humours me, regardless)

How often do you hear some soul
Referred to as "a right arse-hole"?
To be the source of such abuse,
One might think they were of no use.
Why are they made the 'butt' of fun?
How would you fare if you had none?

Try to imagine what you'd do ....
You've just sat down - to have a pooh,
When ... suddenly ... you gave a shout! ...
'Cos all your guts had just dropped out! ...
And disappeared - GONE - out of sight ...
You'd shit yourself! Yes? Am I right?

So next time that you hear someone
Mocking arse-holes just for fun,
Remind them as they stuff their face ...
Their arse-hole keeps it all in place.

(And that was a Party Political Broadcast for the Anal Retentive Party - I thank you.)


  1. As far as I can see, you have created a new poetic genre here. A Google search for "Rectal Verse" produces hardly anything of fundamental relevancy. Whether this is a good thing or not, only a proctologist could say.

  2. Rectal Verse - how fabulous...I can just see that on a little shelf ticket in Waterstone's or a WHSmith promotion stand....nice.

  3. I've always been confused by terms of abuse relating to the rectum.For example to call someone 'A complete arsehole !' or a'Total arsehole!' is as they (arseholes) should be.Surely it would be more effective to brand someone ' An incomplete arsehole!' As a partial arsehole compared to a whole one is a much worse state of affairs.Likewise the phrase 'A right arsehole!'is not as effective as calling someone 'A wrong arsehole!' the latter by comparison being a terrible affliction.Imagine the inconvenience of having say, an elephants arsehole, or worse perhaps, that of an ant.By comparison a right arsehole would be a joy. I advocate that from now on we adopt these latter more effective phrases.

  4. This is very good - I am awarding you a brown star!!

  5. Thank you all for your most enlightening comments:

    Will - I love the idea that I have created a new genre in poetry - Rectal Verse does have quite a ring to it - albeit brown.

    Aunt B - Oh, how I wish I could walk into Waterstones to find such a ticket. However, and sadly, I am far more likely to find such an entry at Burger King or MacDonalds - Ah, yes, I can see it now - "So that's two double cheeseburgers and a rectal verse - do you want fries with that?".

    Totalfeckineejit - I agree with you entirely. Why, even by suggesting that someone is not half the arsehole they used to be is supposed to imply some improvement when, in fact, it would seem to suggest quite the opposite. I will contemplate upon such things while eating my twiglets.

    Heather - I am not ungrateful. Truly, I am not. But depending upon where I am to stick it, can we not find something a little less POINTY! My eyes are watering.

  6. In honour, and addition to your brown star, I am listening to Johnny Cash's 'Ring Of Fire'. Blessings.

  7. MAB - Do be careful, Dear. Have a suitable extinguisher at the ready, or you might be breaking into 'Goodness Gracious - Great Balls of Fire'.

    Anyway - you're too young to remember Johnny Cash - and NO, it's not the change from the Durex machine in the girls toilet at the Royal Oak.