Henrietta Grimbleshoe

Henrietta Grimbleshoe was destitute and broke.
Her social life was crap and her finances a joke.
She hadn't worked for twenty years - because no job would last,
And no-one would employ her with her dark and lurid past.

It all had started when she found that fuel costs for her car
Exceeded any benefits of going very far.
She then discovered that if she just sat around all day
It didn't cost her anywhere near what she used to pay.

She figured out that if she stayed at home and didn't spend,
Her finances would right themselves - her troubles all would end.
However, she had failed to see - as she was very dim -
If she did not go OUT to work, no money would come IN.

But there she sat, hour after hour, glued fast to her TV,
Just watching endless crap that simply fueled anxiety.
Before she knew what hit her, Henrietta suddenly found
That she'd become irrationally scared of every sound.

At first she jumped at each car horn, or noisy motor-bike.
But then she found she even jumped at noises that she'd liked.
She jumped at tweeting dicky-birds and little baby lambs.
She jumped at laughing babies - a-gurgling in their prams.

This soon progressed 'til she was scared of everything outdoors:
Of noises, people, smells and mess - and even of till-drawers!
Of salmonella poisoning, Bird Flu and CJD,
And when we got Mad Cow's Disease, she said "That it for me!".

In no time Henrietta found she hardly left the house,
For fear of catching Chicken Flu, or rabies from a mouse.
She built a moat around her home, to keep the world at bay -
(But largely so that she would not contract MRSA).

If anybody tried to cross her home-made 'water-trough',
She'd shoot them with her BB Gun and shout "Will you ... please kindly leave (or words to that effect)
Eventually, the Bailiff's came - not thwarted by the moat -
They brought along their own canoes and massive powerboat.

They stripped poor Henrietta's house, from skirting boards to ceilings.
And as they left, they gave her (just to show they did have feelings)
A telephone directory and an ancient mobile phone,
And with these words of wisdom, they then left and pissed off home ...

"Well now, my dear, you've made your bed and you must lie in it ..."
(But, as they'd taken all the beds, that ointment had a fly in it)
..."Responsibilities are something nobody can shirk,
You'll have to get up off your arse, get out and get some WORK!".

Well, Henrietta shrank in fear. What was there she could do?
What manner of employment could she possibly pursue?
Her CV was a nightmare and her social skills were worse.
Before long she'd be up all night just writing shit in verse (Oooooh! Sounds SCARILY familiar!)

Outside the Jobcentre she quaked - quite clearly terrified,
With sweat now pouring from her brow, she gulped and stepped inside.
The lady was most helpful and, to put her most as ease,
Sat Henrietta gently down, with pen and pad, said "Please,
We need to make a list of things in which you best excel".
But, after half and hour or more, they'd none that you could tell.
By now, even the lady found it hard to concentrate
"I know! Let's try a different way - list all the things you hate!"

Off Henrietta rattled - and the list just grew and grew,
The speed the lady wrote at left her fingers black and blue.
"Does not like dogs. Does not like kids. Does not like noisy doors.
Hates purple rinses, high-heeled shoes and polished shiny floors,
Has allergies to germs and noise. Hates neighbours' garden fence.
Neurotic, weird and self-absorbed. Has no known common sense.
Has idiotic notions as to how to carry out
The easiest and simplest job or task there is about.
Her arrogance and lunacy make it quite hard to see
Even the smallest likelihood of opportunity."

But at that point the pen fell still ... The lady upped and cried -
"By Jove!!" she said "You're PERFECT!!!". Henrietta nearly died.
The lady leaped up from her seat and took down from a shelf
A large file labelled "APPLICANTS - ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH".

BO-BO

The following must be sung to the tune of "My Bonny lies over the ocean" ... I thank you.

My son has a doggie called Bo-bo,
A ladies' dog right through and through.
But, by that I don't mean he's friendly -
Mounts anything - 4 legged or 2!

My guidance, dear ladies is simple
So follow it closely, please do.
And don't bend in front of Dear Bo-bo -
'Cos he'd happily give you one too!

(Mother - you may now weep!)

Resident Weevil

A cautionary tale about the effects of taking too much interest in your neighbours' movements (and not enough in your own!).

You'd not believe! - whoever would? -
What's lurking in our neighbourhood.
With strange and sinister 'goings-on'
- I knew that there was something wrong!

It's all to do with her downstairs -
Her Ladyship - the one with airs.
She's got a husband, too, you know,
A sullen looking so-and-so,
The poor man is her captive slave -
She beats him when he won't behave!
I'm told she shuts him in a room
And pokes him with a pointy broom!

Apparently, the wife's a 'chav',
But lacks what dress-sense they may have.
What is she lacking? You might ask -
Aside from a full-facial mask.

They've got two children, so I'm told
One Boy, one girl - not very old.
The children are a total fright
They howl and spit and drool and bite!
And bare their teeth - have nits - and fleas -
And every conceivable disease!
5 Postmen in this year, to date,
Have fallen to these reprobates!

No shoulder would we wish to rub
With Mr & Mrs Beelzebub!

And now I'll tell you one thing more -
She paints strange signs upon her door!
They tempt in neighbours' pussy-cats
Which they then baste in seasoned fats
And barbeque them 'til they're done!
And then devour them - one by one!
Then, half past ten, on dustbin day,
She bags the skins to throw away
So nobody can ever trace
What goes on in that dreadful place!

Another neighbour - Emily Prince -
(We haven't seen her ever since!)
Went down to knock upon their door
(Last Tuesday week, at half past four)
- She only went to ask if they
Knew what had happened to Mrs Wray.

Well, Dulcie Wray - the landlords' clerk -
Had foolishly gone there - after dark!!
WELL! - we all saw her going in,
But then, there's this ALMIGHTY din ... !

Well ... I'll leave you to work it out,
But Dulcie Wray DID NOT COME OUT!!

And now, poor Emily - like as not -
Has joined her in the COOKING POT!!!
If you peer through their kitchen blind,
A HUGE black Cauldron's what you'll find!!

Well ... p'haps that last bit isn't quite true ...
But - you never know, these days - do you?

And, come to think, I'm not too sure
If it was 5 Postmen, or 4.
You're right, yes - now I think of it,
I've never seen her children spit.
And ... What? ... Who's this? Oh! Silly me!!
It's Mrs Wray - at No. 3!

Perhaps I'm wrong ... Perhaps it's ... WELL!!!
... But, these days ... you can NEVER tell!!!


(Dedicated to my neighbour, who takes such an avid interest in my family's movements, that I never need to ask them what they're up to - she'll know!