FUNNY MUNNY

Now, wouldn't it be funny
If the men with all the money
All had suddenly turned runny in the head.

And with no stocks and shares
All your multi-millionaires
Would refuse to come downstairs, but stay in bed.

What if banks had empty tills
With the Manager on pills
'Cos he couldn't pay his bills out of the red.

And you couldn't get your pension
Or a dribble worth a mention
What with all the added tension, you'd be dead.

So let's show them that we love 'em
Only God could stand above 'em
Our resolve to serve will toughen (out of dread).

So, please hurry - do as I do
Take a bucket full of Cow-pooh
Make a large deposit - or two - 'nuff said.

Henrietta Grimbleshoe

Henrietta Grimbleshoe was destitute and broke.
Her social life was crap and her finances a joke.
She hadn't worked for twenty years - because no job would last,
And no-one would employ her with her dark and lurid past.

It all had started when she found that fuel costs for her car
Exceeded any benefits of going very far.
She then discovered that if she just sat around all day
It didn't cost her anywhere near what she used to pay.

She figured out that if she stayed at home and didn't spend,
Her finances would right themselves - her troubles all would end.
However, she had failed to see - as she was very dim -
If she did not go OUT to work, no money would come IN.

But there she sat, hour after hour, glued fast to her TV,
Just watching endless crap that simply fueled anxiety.
Before she knew what hit her, Henrietta suddenly found
That she'd become irrationally scared of every sound.

At first she jumped at each car horn, or noisy motor-bike.
But then she found she even jumped at noises that she'd liked.
She jumped at tweeting dicky-birds and little baby lambs.
She jumped at laughing babies - a-gurgling in their prams.

This soon progressed 'til she was scared of everything outdoors:
Of noises, people, smells and mess - and even of till-drawers!
Of salmonella poisoning, Bird Flu and CJD,
And when we got Mad Cow's Disease, she said "That it for me!".

In no time Henrietta found she hardly left the house,
For fear of catching Chicken Flu, or rabies from a mouse.
She built a moat around her home, to keep the world at bay -
(But largely so that she would not contract MRSA).

If anybody tried to cross her home-made 'water-trough',
She'd shoot them with her BB Gun and shout "Will you ... please kindly leave (or words to that effect)
Eventually, the Bailiff's came - not thwarted by the moat -
They brought along their own canoes and massive powerboat.

They stripped poor Henrietta's house, from skirting boards to ceilings.
And as they left, they gave her (just to show they did have feelings)
A telephone directory and an ancient mobile phone,
And with these words of wisdom, they then left and pissed off home ...

"Well now, my dear, you've made your bed and you must lie in it ..."
(But, as they'd taken all the beds, that ointment had a fly in it)
..."Responsibilities are something nobody can shirk,
You'll have to get up off your arse, get out and get some WORK!".

Well, Henrietta shrank in fear. What was there she could do?
What manner of employment could she possibly pursue?
Her CV was a nightmare and her social skills were worse.
Before long she'd be up all night just writing shit in verse (Oooooh! Sounds SCARILY familiar!)

Outside the Jobcentre she quaked - quite clearly terrified,
With sweat now pouring from her brow, she gulped and stepped inside.
The lady was most helpful and, to put her most as ease,
Sat Henrietta gently down, with pen and pad, said "Please,
We need to make a list of things in which you best excel".
But, after half and hour or more, they'd none that you could tell.
By now, even the lady found it hard to concentrate
"I know! Let's try a different way - list all the things you hate!"

Off Henrietta rattled - and the list just grew and grew,
The speed the lady wrote at left her fingers black and blue.
"Does not like dogs. Does not like kids. Does not like noisy doors.
Hates purple rinses, high-heeled shoes and polished shiny floors,
Has allergies to germs and noise. Hates neighbours' garden fence.
Neurotic, weird and self-absorbed. Has no known common sense.
Has idiotic notions as to how to carry out
The easiest and simplest job or task there is about.
Her arrogance and lunacy make it quite hard to see
Even the smallest likelihood of opportunity."

But at that point the pen fell still ... The lady upped and cried -
"By Jove!!" she said "You're PERFECT!!!". Henrietta nearly died.
The lady leaped up from her seat and took down from a shelf
A large file labelled "APPLICANTS - ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH".

Killer Hamster

My daughter has a Hamster,
As thick as two short logs.
It barks at neighbours' children
And then attacks their dogs.

I asked the Hamster, "Why, my dear,
Do you behave this way?"
It looked at me - a bit like that -
But disinclined to say.

I tried again last Tuesday
This time, to my surprise,
It raised its fuzzy little head
And gazed into my eyes.

It then replied, quite timidly,
It said "I fear the worst ..."
"And that is why, before they move ..."
"I get mine in their first!".

BO-BO

The following must be sung to the tune of "My Bonny lies over the ocean" ... I thank you.

My son has a doggie called Bo-bo,
A ladies' dog right through and through.
But, by that I don't mean he's friendly -
Mounts anything - 4 legged or 2!

My guidance, dear ladies is simple
So follow it closely, please do.
And don't bend in front of Dear Bo-bo -
'Cos he'd happily give you one too!

(Mother - you may now weep!)

Introduction

I really haven't the foggiest clue
Of what I'm now supposed to do.
In 'techno' terms, I am a freak
Who has not learned 'computer speak'
A dinosaur - il-litt-ur-rate,
And - I do not prevaricate -
I really am as thick as shite
In matters of the megabyte.
I'm told that 'blogging's all the rage -
I've taken 2 months to get THIS page!
But, hopefully, as time goes by,
With confidence I'll no doubt try
To add a photograph or two -
Now won't that be SUCH fun for you!
For just for now, I'm quite content
To know that I can now present
Each rambling and puerile find -
The cowpats of my turgid mind -
To you out there - my 'friends-in-need'
Your only hope? - You cannot read.
So, 'til the next litturry carneevil,
I'll remain,

Sincerely,

The Lesser Weevil